My Big Fat Irish/Italian/Russian Jewish Family

I think my brother-in-law, Pete, might be using performance enhancers.

Starting in mid-January, my sisters, Pete, Dan and I entered into a contest known as the Biggest Loser ('cuz we're the creative type when it comes to naming things). It's an exercise competition where we all throw in $20 to play. Everyone earns one check for every 30 minutes of exercise they complete with a maximum earning capacity of three checks per day. The person with the most checks at the end of the competition (in mid-February) takes the pot. The following is an online conversation among contestants. (Note: We're big on nicknames so the general rule is that the beginning letter of the nickname matches the beginning letter of the corresponding sibling. Example: T-Roxx is Tara.)

From: Dan
To: Biggest Loser Posse

Dan has two checks today - Jane Fonda Workout! Going to the mall now for an Orange Julius.

Score on Monday at 9 PM:

Dan - 2
Pete - 2
Becky - 2
Lola -1
Tara -1
Cherie (How many Chirl?)
Pete's Inner Thighs - -1

From: Pete

Two more for me. My chub rub is all healed. I've been slowly applying ointment at the gym with one leg up on the sink.

From: Cherie

One check for Chirl today. Had to get my plans in order to see Katie and the rest of the Memphis family! Can't wait, people. Gonna see that SAVVY and those big fat cheeks!

And Dan, I just read the Jane Fonda and Orange Julius comment and was transported back to 1986!

From: Tara

When I first read that Dan was going to the Mall I figured he was going to become a "mall walker"...but not so. After I do the dishes and make our lunches I will get a check...stay tuned. Ben also was with me pretending his little blue ball was a medicine ball...good partner in the making.

Great job phatties!

From: Dan

Two checks for me. I did three laps around Athlete's Foot and a speed walk past DOTS.

From: Cherie

ASSSSS Dan! Two checks for Chirl please, one for yesterday and one for today on the Memphis riverwalk! It's damn warm here so hopefully I will be adding on the checks like what! Also- does bench pressing Savvy count for anything? (It should!) Joking, Katie!

From: Dan

Two checks for Dan. A little Jazzercise.
Lola is finishing up her two as well.
Nice work Chirley! Give our Memphis friends our love.
Pete - Any checks or are you doing the bachelor dance in your undies, eating a bag of chips for dinner and watching a Monster Truck movie while Cherie's away?
Tara - Did you get that check yesterday?
Becky - Awful quiet...

Totals:

Dan and Pete 6
Cherie 4
Lola 3
Becky 2
Tara 1

From: Pete

Two checks today. I eat soup when my wife is away. That way it doesn't ruin my meal while I cry.

From: Dan

Pete 8
Dan 6
Cherie 4
Lola 3
Becky 2
Tara 1

I think Pete is also leading on the witty banter count as well.

From: Lola

I wanted to report my checks to the posse but it seems as though Dan has already included them in the tally.

Signed,
Sleeping with the club secretary

P.S. Pete is well on his way to MVP status. Perhaps we should include Chirl and Pete in the Breslin/Mellederer Olympics?

Also, one check for this morning...slow and steady wins the race.

Petey, are you training for a marathon fuh real? Remember to tape your nipples...

From: Cherie

Love how fun and funny all you bitches are!!! Mellowaluk/Mellederer/Breslin Olympics here we come!

From: Becky

Pittsburgh trips and seven customer appointments didn't leave for a lot of check-worthy time this week, but I'm in it to win it and will be back with vengeance this weekend. Stay tuned on my checkage.

Chirl---Yes, that butterball is every bit like a weight! How did I miss the memo that you were headed to Memphis? Wtf!

From: Dan

Excuses are like Belly Buttons, Becky - everybody has one.

From: Cherie

Two more checks for Chirl, ‘cause “I was walking in Memphis"! Sorry Bec- thought you read my facebook banter about my trip. Thought you were in the know!

From: Pete

Yes, Laura I'm going to run a marathon in Newport in October. No tape needed. I have a Nike sports bra that holds a water bottle between my titties. Three more checks today. And lost two more lbs. Now I'm down to a C cup.

BECKY…Becky…becky…becky…(That was a written echo effect.)

Laura, you're welcome to borrow that but I want a footnote.

From: Becky

Pete...you rang?

Yup, count me in for two checks this morning! After binging on Helluva Good Gip late-night along with Margaritas world famous salsa and chips, it’s time to get my game face back ON! So...yup...more checks to come tomorrow as well! I will be in a bathing suit in April at Disney and I do need to get serious about getting this flub under control!

From: Tara

Can you hear that? It is my self esteem plummeting. No checks 'til later...my house is gross...excuse #4265.

From: Becky

Trox...if it makes you feel better, my "straight and narrow" turned into a big ass plate of cheese and crackers and a glass of wine while I did some online shopping...gluttony and laziness all wrapped in one!

From: Tara

That sounds beautiful..I am salivating. Why does all that have to be wrong- that is a dream day. I WILL get a check for god’s sake!

From: Pete

Up for consideration. Does snowboarding count? That's how I spent my Sunday.

From: Katie

Pete - indubitably.

Tara - You are busy, don't let your self esteem falter, be proud of how fantastic you are.

Beck - I want some of that defriggenlicious smoked chedda that you and Jeff always have, right now.

From: Dan

Snowboarding - hmmm? Definitely a rigorous activity. However, you do spend some time in a chair lift and possibly in the lodge drinking Cappuccinos. I'm going to have to leave it in the hands of the committee.

In the Mellederer homeland - two checks each for Dan and Lola on Sunday.

From: Cherie

Dan- I just read that aloud in your best tea-baggin' voice and I LOVED it! And please count me for 2 checks today.

In other news I'm staying an extra day with my sissle, Savvy and Gary in Memphis. Can you say HELL YEAH! Love my life!

From: Tara

Snowboarding I'll give one check...cuz sledding with Molly and Bec, I felt my heart beat more than when doing the tree pose. Have fun Chuck and Katjak!

From: Pete

I'll take one check for the day on Sunday if everyone agrees. I was sweating and my legs are sore. That's what she said.

From: Becky

Pete--snowboarding is definitely exercise. I would give that two checks if it was a full day and the majority of the day, to Dan's point, was spent on the slopes versus sucking back cocktails (cappuccinos are for sallys on the slopes!). So, there you have it. Dan, time to weigh in on the final decision.

I was fat and lazy and didn't get a single check yesterday...far too busy watching Band of Brothers and eating cheese and wine. I will get a check for today, however.... stay tuned on that!

From: Dan

Funny Eyebrow Face on all this Snowboarding ballyhoo.

Funny Eyebrow Faces (noun)- A term coined by Katie Mellow to describe how one's face reacts to a peculiar, often suspicious, situation; usually includes the rising or downward pointing of eyebrows

From: Becky

Haha...I vote yes to the snowboarding, but I'll defer to the larger group. In other news, I just got two checks and burned 740 calories in the process. Can I get a hallelujah?! Do yourself a fava and watch Biggest Loser while doing any exercise. I wanted to bail on the bike, but those folks, who are morbidly obese I might add, had to bike 26 miles for their first competition. If they can do it, I better keep my fat, tubby ass on that bike...for at least an hour! So, with that said, I'll be eating a fine meal in the North End of Boston tonight. Restraint or no restraint during dinner...that is the question!

From: Tara

No restraint! That bike ride sounded right on! In this lazy world Pete gets one or two checks, definitely not zero. He is lucky he found something fun to do. It's not like he is Matthew McConaughey, he likes to sit and have cheese too. He's just keepin' busy while his hot wife is hookin' up with Gary's friends.

From: Lola

Benny---way to be on the bike front! Didn't I tell you Biggest Loser would motivate you. How 'bout Jillian's arms? That keeps me going; I want those arms! (Plus, I love her.)

On the snowboarding front---I'll give Pete two for it. I wish I had a hobby which got me off my ass.

My question to the committee is this: Yesterday I did a walk for an hour and 15 minutes. When I got home I was imbalanced and thus had to eat instead of doing another 15 mins. I would have pushed through 15 minutes later on in the day (an ab/arm video or the such) if it could have gotten me a check but since it wouldn’t have, I didn’t do it. Could that 30 consecutive minute thing be waived in the event of a similar situation in the future. (Ain't nothing getting in the way of my 12 o'clock feeding.)

I'm not going to shovel today because it won't earn me any checks---somehow I feel this isn't the attitude this contest is supposed to inspire.

L,L

P.S. I have this machine called---I kid you not---"Leg Magic" and I plan to have thighs like arms come summah!

From: Dan

Lola, It really embarrasses me when you tell everyone that you call me "Leg Magic."

By the way, my questioning of the check for Snowboarding was always a matter of one check or two. I definitely think it is exercise that is check-worthy - I was just questioning one or two.

The mob has spoken and two shall it be.

From: Cherie

Yeah, T-Roxx, Gary's friends are sizzling hot and all the ab and arm workouts I'm getting from "hooking up" should count as a check!

Lo- I would have to say that it's still working out and it should count. Being imbalanced is never a good thang whilst working on one's fitness. And I really wanna know what leg magic is...sounds kinda kinky, especially as Dan's new nickname!

Hahahaha I love this shit!

From: Tara

Shoveling gives grown men heart attacks..that is a check! The nourishment need is not a problem for me. The point is to MOVE and not be a lazy sloth! Should we get the arm bands like on Biggest Loser?

From: Pete

Chirl, you probably have a six pack from holding in your farts. Thank you all for the two checks. No checks yet today but I do have a big walk planned. Becky, nice work---an hour on the bike is no easy task. Lola, I'm not sure about stringing together workout times but if it makes you work more it has to be a good thing. Letter or spirit of the law, I don't know.

From: Katie
Pete - Chirl and I are dying right now. Assssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!

From: Tara

I have two checks for today so my grand total is freaking FOUR!! I am sore...so there. I have NOT counted vacuuming...but it can get serious.

From: Dan

Banter has been a little slow the last few days. Two for me on Tuesday. Here is where we stand:

Pete - 13
Dan - 12
Cherie and Lola - 8
Rebecca - 6
Tara - 5

Let's keep it going people!

From: Becky

Wtf...PETE with 13 and Dan with 12!!! What is going ON! Let's kick it up a notch, ladies! We can't let the boys win. They don't even care what they look like in a bathing suit!! Time to turn it up a notch!

From: Tara

Let's do a do-over..they started too fast...Where's Lana?

From: Pete

Hello. Cherie and I both went on a Cliff Walk powerwalk for 2 checks today. The race is still very close. Watch out though---Chirl is working the rest of the week leaving me free to go to the gym.

Dan, oil up that Nordic trac.

Becky, I do care what I look like in a bathing suit. I just don't talk about all those afternoons spent quietly crying in the Marshalls dressing room while I try on suit after suit...then eating a whole cheese cake from Stop and Shop.

From: Becky

Lol...ASS, PETE...That Really does sound like me. I've decided my issue is that I can't string together more than two "straight and narrow" days in a row. I think I've done so well if I'm good for two days and then the shit hits the fan and I'm back on the platter of cheese...wtf!

1/2 hour on the bike watching Biggest Loser today...to do that today means working ‘til 11 tonight...still worth it!

From: Katie

Pete, you are so hysterically warped that I cannot take it. Beck, good friggin work.

From: Dan

Score Update:

Petey - 15
Dan and Chirley - 12
Lola - 8
Becky - 7
Tara - 5

From: Cherie

WOW, am I really tied with Dan?! YEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!

From: Cherie (after for a few slow banter days)

C'mon people..... Where are ya?? Anyone? Anyone? Well, count me down for another two checks today! It's very quiet in these parts, nobody has anything to say?

From: Cherie (after a few more)

HELLO BILLLLLLLYYYYYY???? 2 more checks for today, if anyone wants to know.

(Blogger’s note: Billy is not a new character. Cherie uses the term Billy loosely. If she sees a hot guy, she’s been known to point him out, raise her eyebrows and in a raspy, low voice say, “Billy...” If we lose reception during a phone call, it’s “You there? Billy? Hello? Billy?” Billy is not a real person and I don’t where he came from. Chirl, you wanna weigh in?)

From: Dan

As of January 27th, 2010:

Dan - 17
Pete and Cherie - 16
Lola - 13
Becky - 9
Tara - 5

16 more days to go!

From: Tara

Why do Pete and Charlaine match? I smell dishonesty...

From: Pete

One more for today which means a tie. Tara, you smell.

From: Tara

Oh yeah, one check for today...guess I do smell since I finally started working out. Tomorrow I got a sub so I'll get another check, too...It's all about personal growth for me.

From: Cherie

One check for me yesterday. None today.... Hangovas!!!!

From: Lola

I don’t know what’s been reported but I got a couple of checks yesterday. (The sun was out and I went frolicking.) I also got 3 checks between Monday and Tuesday...sorry for questionable check reporting but Dan usually keeps track.

What’s the rule on two 45-minute sessions? Good for 3 checks? Be honest because if I win, I don’t want an asterisk by my name. (Did I say if...I mean when.)

From: Becky

I would be okay with two 45 minute sessions being 3 checks...Hell, if you have that kind of motivation to do double sessions (did I mention that Lola's thighs have gotten smaller in circumference...the dream has been realized) then I say you deserve the accolades and associated checks with those sessions! So, that's a big, fat...hell yeah! In other news, I'm in Memphis visiting Katie and hope to report some checks today and tomorrow. In fact, after yesterday's pants-splitting-in-ass-at-airport-debacle, I would argue it's imperative! So, if you don't hear from me, force me to get on the treadmill!

To: Blog peeps
From: Lola

I'm going to win this competition...just watch.

"You have one of those at home, Lola."

Dan, while watching this infomercial late-night in NYC.

P.S. My sister used to work at a hotel and said that people were always trying to get their "mistake" porn taken off their bill. Our "mistake" middle of the night movie? Michael Moore's "Capitalism: A Love Story."

P.P.S.(We really did hit the wrong button...)

Can't I just be a little bit bulimic?

Available for purchase in our hotel room and it's about damn time. Who needs $7 nuts anyway? (All together now---that's what she said.)

I lived in New York for close to a year back in 2004. Prior to this and since, I’ve made it to the city at least twice a year (usually more) and have such love for it that Dan picked Central Park as the place to ask me to marry him. Despite all this, I haven’t been inside the Empire State Building since seventh grade, I couldn’t point to Staten Island on a map, and I’ve never seen the Statue of Liberty up close.

What have I done? Eaten a lot of food. (In addition to the work experience I gained while living there, I also got an extra 20 pounds under my belt. I’m not the type who can eat and eat without repercussions though I would like to organize their mass genocide.) During lunch breaks I would gorge on tomato, mozzarella and basil sandwiches served on dense focaccia. The weekends I spent there conjure more images of Thai lunch combos and noodle shops than they do evenings of senseless drunkery. I have a clear memory of Mattie and I slogging through over a foot of sidewalk snow while it came down ever harder during a blizzard (literally up to my knees) to meet at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants for churros and, of course, margaritas. (No idea where those 20 pounds came from.)

This past weekend that Dan and I spent in NYC was no different. It was a series of meals and snacks interrupted only by the Broadway shows we saw on Friday and Saturday night. Here’s a list of everything we ate (though I will never again write all of it down because it hurts to recount it, especially as I sit here in pain due to my pants pinching my swollen belly.)

Friday:

Dinner:
-crispy truffle risotto balls
-prosciutto board served with grilled slices of baguette, salty sliced parmesan, olive tapenade and a small frisee and sundried tomato salad tossed with a tangy vinaigrette
-grilled flatbread topped with mozzarella, tomato and basil (I could eat this combo every day)
-zeppolis, freshly fried doughnut holes served with chocolate and caramel dipping sauces

Saturday:

Breakfast:
-a pear (I brought fresh fruit, thinking that would keep me on track; I’m very stupid for thinking this.)
- broccoli rabe, goat milk ricotta and parmesan frittata (Dan)
- grilled three-cheese sandwich with smoked ham and egg (me)
-sticky bun (shared)

Lunch (We headed down to the West Village where I worked during my time in NYC---and fell deeply in love with the area and food---for lunch. We ambled in and out of our favorite spots, eating our finds in sunny spots along the sidewalk.) :
-cheese biscuit from Amy’s Bread
-flat bread topped with fresh mozzarella, soppressata and fire roasted tomatoes (I’ll dream about those tomatoes) served warm from Murray’s cheese shop---a famous NYC spot
-a rice ball, prosciutto ball and potato croqueta from Faicco’s Pork Store---also a famous spot
-a slice and a half (each) of cheese pizza with crushed red pepper at Joe’s Pizza (not to be confused with Joe’s NY Pizza or any other Joe’s). This is my favorite pizza and my biggest NYC craving.
-cappuccino (Dan) Latte with skim (me---‘cuz I’m watching my calories)
-cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery (Way famous and way worth it. We had these cupcakes---from their spawn bakery, Buttercup---at our wedding. There's some drama there.) I’m ashamed to admit that we bought eight cupcakes---six of the vanilla with buttercream frosting, one carrot cupcake with cream cheese frosting, and one red velvet---and we only have two left (which are going to my sister Becky if they survive the night). They’re every bit worth it, but having six in two days (Dan and I shared ‘em) is excessive and compulsive and really quite sad.

Dinner (which we sat down to at midnight):
-Caesar salad (shared)
-penne and chicken served in a gorgonzola cheese sauce (me)
-Get ready for this: A baguette sliced open, filled with two grilled beef hotdogs, cheese melted on top and served with ketchup and sauerkraut (Dan) Fan-fucking-tastic.
-(you can bet your ass we ate a cupcake when we got back to our hotel room)

Sunday:

Breakfast:
-an apple (I was tryyyying…)
-Dan: ham and cheese omelet with potatoes, toast, etc
-Me: Fresh fruit and french toast

Lunch:
This is where it gets ugly. This thing happens when I start eating unhealthy foods. At first I enjoy it. I believe food can be art and should be appreciated on this level and certainly indulged in from time to time. That said, when I go on a bender like I did this weekend there comes a point where I inevitably take a turn and feel so bad (both physically and mentally) that I almost think I need to punish myself by eating more. (I realize that this sounds like the stuff of Lifetime movies but it’s not.)

This is where Burger King came into the picture. We stopped during the drive home. Dan had a Big Mac. (He’ll laugh at that---I wrote Big Mac and then realized that a Big “Mac” from BK doesn’t make sense. It was a Whopper---I googled it. He often laughs that I never know the difference between the two and have asked for Mcnuggets at BK.) This is where I got poisoned. After eating my two cheeseburgers with ketchup only and a small fry, I shut down. It immediately went to my brain and I got fuzzy and felt sick. I fell asleep in the car shortly thereafter but not before uttering these final words:

“I have to have a cupcake just to sop up the grease.”


P.S. Go see “Next to Normal.” Go see it now before Alice Ripley, the show’s lead, leaves it. Hurry. I have never seen anything like her performance in this show. Ripley plays a bipolar mother and wife navigating her way through illness and treatment while dealing with the complexity of love and the staggering haunting of loss. While this description sounds a bit like all musicals, I assure you it is not; I just don’t want to give too much away. This is not the stuff of gold top hats and kick lines. The writing is so intense and yet witty such that it allows the throbbing to be served up with a side of laughter. The rest of the five-person cast is incredible---this can’t be overstated and it really is a collaborative show---but for me, Ripley’s performance is the aspect that most shook me. I’ve never felt what I felt in that theater or have seen what I saw that night. I could not take my eyes off of her even during scenes in which she was not the focus because I didn’t want to miss one facial tic or trembling hand. The word “raw” is often overused in describing an actor’s work---but I don’t know that I’ve ever seen rawness in musical theater until now. She somehow accomplishes a fiery rawness while also seeming burnt out and charred and this is not a pun on the electric shock therapy which she endures. If you’re a glutton for the often painful emotional spectrum of women and mothers, as I am, get to New York as soon as possible.

“In the Heights” was also wonderful though some of the cast changes weakened it a bit for me. (This could absolutely be because I’ve been listening to the soundtrack nonstop for a couple of years and longed for the voices that I had come to know.) The handful of original cast members left delivered on every level. I still love this show---the music is incredible and the dancing is riveting. The story of the mostly Latino population of Washington Heights and their trials of today and yesteryear when their families came to the U.S. is poignant and important. It’s a great show---if you can’t go, get the music.

That’s it...

My husband deserves good things...

Note how it doesn't need me in it to hold its shape.

Wednesday night was Dan's annual holiday work "Gala" which I really wanted to write in depth about and couldn't because yesterday was totally booked with a full day of massive hangover. I no longer have the ability to crawl into bed at 2:30am and then be a productive human on any level the following day.

The "Gala" is a wedding version of a holiday party. It's an annual 150-person soiree where the men dress in suits and ties, the women are in lovely dresses (no use for my jingle bells sweater here), and everyone is treated to a cocktail hour, sit-down feast, a night of dancing and an overnight stay at the hotel where the event is held. It is a wonderful gift for a company to give its employees, a night of upscale (yet expense-free) frivolity and fun, and it is, in many ways, the hardest day of the year for me. The majority of the people there are friendly and warm, the night invites a good time on every level, but an evening of socialization on such a large scale while attired in a dress and, worse, heels, is an anxiety-provoking endeavor for me. (Last year I may have come down with something and was unable to attend.) But, I also know---even from within my panic---that my dread and worry are disproportionately heavy and also the worst part of the evening; I always end up having a good time.

Plus, it is Dan---the man who enabled our wedding day to be more than a pizza and beer extravaganza; all that I was capable of planning---who put the entire evening together so it is always great to actually see the fruits of his labor (since he tells me nothing..also, that's what she said) and hear the the accolades and deep appreciation his co-workers have for him. ("We all love Dan," the ladies from his office always tell me. According to Dan this is the result of his having changed a light bulb for them years ago but I know better. Then, during a slide show presentation, a picture of Dan came up which not only caused an eruption of cheering but also for the slide show presenter to say that "Nothing in this company happens without Dan having a hand in it on some level and each and every person in here knows that he's saved their ass at least once this year.")

My man. (He will be uncomfortable with my writing that and I don't care.) Knowing that this is his night, I tried in every possibly way to back burner my anxiety (read: Ativan) and just make sure that he had a good time. As a result, I attended the event costumed as arm candy, which basically translates to high heels (the high kind and not the one-inch stubs I prefer...that's what she said) and a push-up bra.

If I'm being honest, it was my therapist, in whose office I released all stress and nervousness such that I could proceed, who sent me out after our session that afternoon to procure the heels and push-up bra...she even specified its being push-up; something I've never bought before. She also recommended that I wear the bright orange dress (a firey reddish fall orange, not the stuff of Sunny-D) versus a very nice but more conservative beaded once which would have better facilitated by blending into the wall. It was an effort born partly from my wanting to douse Dan with a little you-da-man cologne and partly as a psychology/writing experiment. This is pretty far outside my comfort zone---I don't consider myself a sweet enough piece to be considered "arm candy" nor have I ever aspired to be considered such---but it was a new and curious plan of attack. Whether or not it worked is an essay and analysis for another day but I do know that both Dan and I had a great time.

I also know I ended the night eating a Hostess cupcake in bed with Dan passed out next to me. As the cupcake crumbs fell onto the white bedsheets and I frantically tried to brush them off only to have them smoosh and streak the sheets further, I realized my place in life; I'm much more smooshed cupcake than arm candy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today, Dan and I are headed to NYC for a weekend away. As our Christmas present to each other we're seeing "In The Heights" and "Next to Normal" and I'm bouncin'-in-my-seat psyched. Although Dan enjoys Broadway shows (reason #1435 that I love him) I think the getaway aspect is more his part of the gift and the shows are mine. (Though, he broke the go-light-on-the-gifts rule and also got me a couple of sweaters I had my eye on plus CDs and books and a beautiful necklace. I got him a yoga mat, which could warrant "worst gift ever" status---he had just taken his first class---and it felt a little like when Homer gave Marge a bowling ball for her birthday.)

He planned our whole NYC trip, too---booked the hotel and bought the tickets.

My man.

I actually probably need to start getting ready to go since he just woke up. Coming out of our bedroom just now---fully clothed---he said,"I woke up naked..." which was confusing to him as he had gone to bed dressed.

"Did you take advantage of me?" he asked.

My man.

Thanks, bud.

Maybe a home line is a good idea

I usually put my cell phone in a pocket of my pants or sweaters. Inevitably, it ends up taking a loud fall onto the hardwood floor and I end up telling myself that I really should stop putting my phone in my pocket. This happens often.

And today my inability to adjust my behavior accordingly in such situations, has landed me in the crapper...literally.

This afternoon, from out of the pocket of my gray sweatshirt plummeted my cell phone...into the toilet...after I peed...before I flushed.

And I ask you, what choice did I have but to go in there after it? If I can’t flush a tampon, I certainly can’t flush a flip phone. (Though I thought about it for a second.) I retrieved it (and then scalded it and me with burning hot water.)

Because we don’t have a home line I had no choice but to reach out and cyber-touch someone.

From: Lola

Dan, I dropped my phone in the toilet...with pee in there. FUUUUCK! I fished it out but it doesn't work so I am without communication means other than e-mail. We're really going to have to work this out...

(I'm already over being mad about it because it will make for such great blogging.)

Can you believe this?

From: Dan

Lola, Lola, Lola.

You can drop your phone in rice and that should help absorb the moisture (although it will still be pissy).

From: Lola

Does that really work? I rinsed it off...

You're my hero.

From: Dan

It should help.

At least you have already written your blog (in which you can add that I learned the rice trick from a soap opera).

From: Lola

Should I use risotto or brown rice?


Then I spent a larger portion of the day than I would have liked researching phones and schlepping out in the snow twice to the phone store in town. (After my first visit I told Suzanne I would call her to let her know if I needed something ordered...only later did I realize that I didn’t have a phone on which to call her.) I have a loaner phone right now but I plan on taking the new-phone plunge on Thursday.

I’m deciding between two phones:

The Pantech Impact (In blue.)

or

The Motorola Karma (Which I’m leaning towards for reasons other than the fact that I like its name...It's such a little fattie!)

Vote, would ya?

Thank god I was wearing a long coat.

Four tickets for a double-header movie session: $20 (we had a GC), popcorn and Milk Duds: $10, finding the Milk Dud you dropped during the movie stuck to your ass at the end of the night...priceless.

We saw The Lovely Bones and It’s Complicated. Normally, The Lovely Bones wouldn’t even be on my radar---I hate scary movies; always have, always will. (Long before I hit double-digits in age, I watched The Nightmare on Elm Street in the basement of my grandparents’ NY home with my older cousins and sisters. I was so terrified that I ran up the basement stairs and away from the movie and pulled and pulled on the stuck basement door, panicked tears in my eyes as I tried to escape, until finally I burst into the cigarette-smoke filled light of my grandmother’s kitchen. I never recovered from the experience; nor, probably, from the second-hand smoke.)

But I was curious to see Stanley Tucci’s Golden Globe-nominated performance (love the Tucci) and the movie was pitched to me as more of a thriller which I thought I could handle and sometimes even like. The verdict: I lost years of my life to the stress and anxiety that the movie evoked. Plus, it deals with the murder of a child (not a spoiler---that’s what the entire movie is about) and also a rape (which, although not depicted in the movie, was incorporated in my viewing experience after reading an article about how director Peter Jackson purposely omitted it from the film...but couldn’t take from my brain) and such themes where children are concerned are more than I can bear...even in the news.

Dan was the one who pitched it as a thriller and I blame myself for listening to him. This is the same man who once brought home The Exorcism of Emily Rose and pitched it as a legal thriller---which it is NOT! I truly still feel anger towards him for this as the images of that movie still haunt me. (I had to Google the movie just now to make sure I had the correct name of the film and I hesitated to do so because I worried images from the movie would come up on the search.) If you couldn’t tell from the title---which neither Dan nor I, apparently, could---it’s about an exorcism; meaning it deals with the possession of a young girl by evil ghosts, or the devil, or whomever it is that does the crazy-eye, head-spinning possessing thing. I would watch The Lovely Bones nonstop for 24 hours before I watched Emily Rose again or any other ghost movie for that matter. Ghosts scare me more than anything (writing that now, I realize just how ridiculous it sounds) and I will dedicate another entry to this whole topic and how my family exploits this fear at every opportunity.

So, I was so disturbed after The Lovely Bones that it was imperative that I see another movie just to get the creepiness off me. We grabbed a latte (me) and a cappuccino (Dan) in the interim and then headed in for It’s Complicated. Meryl Streep was wonderful as ever; I’ve never seen an actor, male or woman, transform and own a role like she does. She’s the best ever, as far as I see it. The movie was funny and had some fresh jokes. Dan even laughed out loud once which he rarely does. The movie which depicts a woman (Streep) juggling two men, her ex and her architect (Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, respectively), has been described as "porn for 50-something women" and as a 50-something woman, myself, I enjoyed it. I sometimes walk out of family-based comedies inspired and feeling like I could write funny screenplays like those I've just watched; this is what I felt after this movie and what I most hope for when going to the movies.

Love a good double-header. (That’s what she said.) It was a great weekend on the whole. On Saturday morning we headed to a farmer’s market held in a local school gymnasium and bought a steak from a woman who cared for the actual grass-fed cow from which it came and a pound of fresh fish from another woman whose husband had caught and filleted the actual piece of cod I was holding on their boat the night before. (I love that.) Last night we made a fresh basil pesto that we served over the cod and actually had a candlelit dinner. (Can you imagine?) Then we watched the Golden Globes---cuz we’re awards show people---and I reveled in my fantasy of sitting between Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at some future awards show (where I win for a comedic family-based screenplay that I’ve written). A good weekend, indeed.

And if it has to be a Monday, I’m glad to see it’s a snowy one; I think we’re getting about nine inches. I love waking up to a newly white world, I just hate driving in it. A couple of years ago after a particularly terrifying hours-long schlep through a giant snow storm, I became pretty phobic about the whole thing. (The fact that I cancelled a spray tan appointment this morning really demonstrates this. Normally, I would punch old ladies if it meant getting to my spray tan appointments on time.) My chest tightens at the thought of sliding on a patch of ice through a stop sign, fishtailing near the edge of a cliff-like drop, or my windshield icing up and the wiper fluid freezing before it can clean the glass. All of this has happened too many times to count and I’m done pushing my luck; nothing in my life is so important to put my or anyone else’s life at risk. Heading out in the midst of a giant snow storm goes against my gut and I’m done doing that if I can help it. Modern technology in the form of four-wheel drive and SUVs are no match for Mother Nature but we humans often think we know better. I tried to get Dan to work from home this morning. “I just wish this was one of those moments when you just listened to your wife,” I said, but he left for work anyway and reported back to me that there were a bunch of cars off the road. I’m grateful he got there safely but am hopeful he thinks twice next time...he won’t.

Tonight I head out to Bec’s house to watch Molly until close to midnight. I’ll get her through dinner and showering and books and bedtime. Dan will join me and after she’s sleeping we’ll indulge in their expansive cable lineup (that we so miss). Maybe we’ll pretend we’re teenagers and eat all the Pringles and make out on the couch.

I feel grateful to have had such a nice weekend and to be able to sit in my warm apartment looking out at the soft snow falling and the quiet of winter. Writing that, I feel that surge of guilt that I've been experiencing all week for having such blessings and safety while people are suffering as they are in Haiti (and elsewhere in the world). I know the guilt is not productive but I think it’s important to be mindful and maintain awareness. I like to believe that collective prayers and concern do something.

Though, money helps, too. Please give if you can. I know one of my inclinations during such times as this is to avert my eyes because the sorrow often feels stifling. And while I don’t think you have to submerge yourself in the sadness (yet another inclination of mine), try to read some of the stories and look at some of the pictures to understand what’s really going on. People don’t have anything to eat or drink, children have been orphaned, medical care is being doled out based on who has a better chance of living. So, please, give if you can.

Doctors without Borders

Partners in Health

American Red Cross

Gratitude can sometimes be the antidote to guilt; I think I'll try a dose of that this Monday.

And now for something completely different

from Rosie

I don’t usually get political on here (mostly because there’s not a lot of “that’s what she said” in it) but you’ll forgive me for going there a bit today. I need to talk about some stuff.

1) Most important, when is medicinal marijuana gonna make its way to New Hampshire?

The rest aren’t jokes.

2) When I first heard the Pat Robertson quote regarding the earthquake in Haiti being a result of a pact the Haitians made with the devil, I honestly couldn’t understand why it was newsworthy. His comments didn’t feel judgmental to me (he even wished the Haitians well) they were just words of lunacy. The guy believes in pretend---it’s too ridiculous to even give a moment’s thought and laughable that we have. Who cares what the guy who believes in unicorns thinks? And then Dan told me that “a lot of people listen to him.” Less laughable. How could…why would…I don’t get…but why…It really is too nuts for me to even begin to understand.

Some other comments from this obviously peace-espousing, spiritual man (originally posted here:

"I would warn Orlando that you're right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don't think I'd be waving those flags in God's face if I were you, This is not a message of hate -- this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor." –Pat Robertson, on” Gay Days” at Disney World

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

"I'd like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don't turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And don't wonder why he hasn't helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I'm not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for his help because he might not be there." --Pat Robertson, after the city of Dover, Pennsylvania voted to boot the current school board, which instituted an intelligent design policy that led to a federal trial

This one’s my favorite:

"I know this is painful for the ladies to hear, but if you get married, you have accepted the headship of a man, your husband. Christ is the head of the household and the husband is the head of the wife, and that's the way it is, period." –Pat Robertson

I just love the word headship. It sounds like worship meets blowjobs--- I’ll bet all those closeted evangelical preachers made it up (and that Dan will want to convert).

3) The Rush Limbaugh comments about how this tragedy is good for Obama is everything I hate about politics (and why I rarely write or even talk about it). While I understand that this is his job, it just seems that something like this---a natural disaster, the death of over 50,000 people, a massive tragedy of which the only culpability falls on science and earth---could be free of angles and politics (for at least a week) and replaced with good ol’-fashioned humanity.

This type of thinking frightens me. When we’re so polarized that an earthquake (or broken levees) are immediately seized upon as issues of politics and not people---we’re in real trouble. There is nothing to interpret; it is tragic but it is simple. (Again, at least for the first week---then I understand the people on both sides of the aisle have to get back to work polarizing us some more…I don’t think most of us are as far away from each other as they’d have us think.)

4) While I understand the benefits and necessity of cell phones, I often hate them. I don’t want to always be reachable and I am greatly frustrated by the whole new breed of rudeness it has born (and in which I have participated). That said, the fact that people can make donations through such simple means as texting, delights me. I once had a conversation with a friend who has worked at non-profit public need-based organizations almost as long as I’ve known her and just got her Master’s degree in social work. (She’s the most socially conscious and generous person I know and she’s also an atheist---take that, Pat Robertson!) She told me how people are often uncomfortable donating money versus things like canned goods and clothing, but that money is often what is needed. If making donations to every cause was as easy as shooting a text versus even a phone call, I wonder what the effect would be. (Donate $5 to Wyclef Jean’s Yele Earthquake Fund by texting the word “Yele” to 501501 or $10 to the American Red Cross by texting the word “Haiti” to 90999.)

5) If I had a bigger kitchen and a large-screen TV, I would invite you all over for this.

6) Last week I was working around the house when Dan read me a headline off the computer about some senator saying the word “Negro” and we both were like, what the fuck, who says “Negro” and how out of touch are the people running this country? I wrongly assumed (and, yes, got a lesson in assumptions and stereotyping) that it was a Republican senator. Still, my thoughts at the time were that I didn’t think he should have to resign. Politicians have committed much more heinous and egregious acts than that, with a vote versus a word even, and this idiot is the person that state elected. When I heard that it was Democrat Harry Reid and that Republicans were calling for his resignation, saying that if Reid was a Republican, the Democrats would want his head, I had to agree with this pointing out of the double standard. I think if Reid was a Republican he would have had to resign and I still assert that wouldn’t have been right. But the hand-rubbing and licking of chops that occurs on both sides over things like this---finger-pointing opportunities versus issues of substance---is exactly what makes politics so gross.

(I don’t completely disagree with the substance of what Reid said about how President Obama was electable in America because he is a “light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one," which is exactly why a word like ‘Negro’ and other racially insensitive language is so offensive; because racism still exists and these factors probably did help get him elected. Here’s an interesting article on the subject.)

7) I hate that Obama sent 30,000 more human beings to risk their lives in Afghanistan. I was able to enjoy this holiday season with my family and 30,000 young men and women were not. 30,000 people. 30,000 souls. More than 30,000 families affected. I voted for Obama because I thought he would put an end to the frivolous risking of young lives that we’ve seen happen in the years since 9/11 and am disheartened beyond measure that this is not the case.

8) I’m not sure that I really want to open the political door on here but this is the stuff that’s been spinning around in my brain and thus, what needed to be Spewed.

No light at the end of the tunnel

Thanks for nothing.

This is how this post was supposed to start:

A cozy winter’s night: Here I sit at my writing table with a mug of green tea, a small honey bear squeeze of sweetness to it. Tina Turner’s greatest hits plays, her strong and gravelly voice pumping soulful energy into the room and I am writing by the light of my Zadro Sunlight 365, a contraption which promises 10,000 LUX of “Artificial Sunlight 365 Days a Year."

Then I was going to go into how I taped the iPod-sized gadget to the wall and how it is casting its blue glow down on me as I write and how it all feels very X-Files-y.

Instead it will start like this:

Little mother fucker didn’t work.

It turned on for a second and then nothing. Temper-fucking-tantrum-time. (Hey, I'm not using this thing 'cuz I'm such a stable person.) My frustration morphed into rage so quickly that I actually punched the dainty little four-inch piece of crap. I’ve also been known to throw an occasional punch at my laptop screen when it’s running so slowly that I could walk to the fucking library and take out 10 books on the subject I’m trying to Google before the goddamned page loads. I’m not proud of the fact that I fist fight with technology but until I hear of a support group for such a problem (You hear me, Oprah?), I’m going to declare myself the founder of a new trendy version of rage display…like Fight Club or wife beating.

I shouldn’t be making a joke like that…the fact that my Zadro failed me is really no laughing matter. (Doesn’t Zadro sound like that Genie from Big or the name of a Harry Potter themed vibrator---Would it be shaped like a broom or a wand?)

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting one of these therapeutic light boxes (resisting huge urge to make box joke) for a while. Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks my ass around this time every year. SAD is far too irritating and cutesy to describe its mass of cranky, dry-knuckled sufferers. I’d much prefer ASS---Another Snow, Sucka! (Runners up for that joke included DICK Dreary Ice Cicle (weather) Kills and FUCK Frozen Us Can’t Kope but they both felt like a stretch.)

So, SAD---it’s real. I should be spending these months in a cave somewhere. I don’t necessarily get depressed and, in fact, am not depressed right now, but it zaps me of energy such that 7pm starts seeming like a reasonable bedtime. (Battling fatigue is a war I’ve been waging for a couple of years now. I’ll devote another entry to how I arrived at my no-gluten lifestyle as a result of this after blaming everything from birth control-induced menopause to poor “sleep hygiene”---which means bad sleeping habits, not that my pillow is a lice hotel. I also had a secret theory that it was lymphoma but Dan just laughed at that.)

The cold weather doesn’t make me that grouchy (though when I came in last night I did say to Dan, “It’s so cold out, I could cut a bitch”) but the lack of sun and daylight hours shuts me down. I once heard someone refer to it as her “winter slip” which sounds like someone’s annual tradition of sleeping with a co-worker after the company Christmas party.

So, on Monday night when I got home at 5:30 and wanted to drop my coat and immediately crawl into bed, I knew I had to do something. I spent a couple of hours playing on the computer, staring out blankly into the nothingness and researching light boxes (still resisting…). Putting a sun in my living room is pricey---at least $200 for a good one—which is a high price to pay since I’m not sure if it will work. (Plus, I’m considering investing in a dawn simulator. It’s an alarm clock/light unit that’s set up so that a bright light turns on gradually---starting at 5am if you want to wake up at 6am, for instance---so that you’re waking up naturally to a simulated sunrise. People have noted mood improvements and less fatigue as a result of waking up “naturally” like this. Makes sense, right?) So, I opted for the $40 Zadro because most of the reviews said that it was just as effective as the larger units and I thought it was a good place to start. I even chose two-day delivery---that’s the kind of desperate I’m talking. I’ve been tracking the package since it left the warehouse yesterday and I ran outside coatless to grab the box after the UPS guy dropped it late this afternoon.

Then I broke out the laptop, made my tea, turned on some Tina and was ready to get a good hour of artificial light. I plugged it in---nearly blinded myself despite all the warnings to not look directly at it while turning it on---and now we’re back to the beginning, aren’t we?

Little mother fucker didn’t work.

I’m not sure if I’m going to exchange it, go for a better one, or even buy the dawn simulator instead. (The struggle there is Dan; he might enjoy the sun rising precisely when it does.) Still, it’s a bummer. I had high hopes for the Zadro.

One gushing woman even said it helped her so much that she nicknamed it the “magic box”---which, coincidentally, was my nickname in high school. (Fresh out of restraint.)

P.S. Dan’s trying to bring “that was my nickname in high school” back to “that’s what she said” popularity. I’m doing my part.

A little friendly, er, family competition

Bro-in-law Pete; that's just how he points to stuff.

A typical day in the cyber-life of my family

From: Dan
To: My sisters (T, B, K, and C) and Cherie’s husband, Pete

Hello Fat Asses,

Another year is here and it is time to once again start sweating to the oldies. That’s right – it’s time for Biggest Loser 2010!

So, let us know if you are in or out. We would have it start on Sunday, January 10th through Friday, February 12th. We figured we’d give everyone a week to get into the right mental place.

Cost will be $20. Winner takes all. Winner will be the person with the most number of workouts. Because we are divided here in the Mellederer homestead, we need to put what constitutes a workout to a vote. Should a workout be 45 minutes with a maximum of two per day or 30 minutes with a maximum of 3 per day? Even if you are not participating, your opinion on this will be counted.

For now, just let us know if you want to play. Bathing suit season is only a few months away.

Looking forward to your sweat.
-Dan
BL Champ, 2008, 2009

From: Katie (the diplomatic middle child)

I think 30 minute sessions should count since one can still get a workout in but may not feel as overwhelmed if they cannot find time with the 45 minute session. Also I forget, does yoga count or not? Just wonderin'...

From: Pete

Can I do 7 minute abs 4 times or do I have to add on the last 2 minutes?

From: Becky

I concur with Katie that 30 minute sessions should count (vs. 45) and they have to be 30 consecutive minutes, Pete...sorry!

Yoga definitely does count. That shit is hard...when you have no muscles in your legs like my current state...those positions are impossible to hold.

From: Tara

The way you signed your post---Dan: BL Champ--- makes me freakin ready to smoke you...I have Mitch Gaylord's medicine ball and DVDs and am ready!! 30 minutes is better than jack..so that is my vote.

From: Cherie

Well, seeing as though my downward spiral tonight consisted of: a stuffed quahog, followed by a wedge salad (lots of bacon), French onion soup (extra cheese) and just finished off with peanut butter cup ice cream------>>> I'M IN!!!!! I gotta get this shit in check or none of my turtlenecks are gonna fit me!!!!!! HELP!!! 30 min is good for me seeing as it is less overwhelming than a whopping 45!!!

*Please note that I also had Bananas Foster today for lunch!! Is there a help group for this type of fattery????!!!!

From: Lola

Katjak--you in? (Dan thinks Savvy should be in on it, too...kidding, keep those thighs growing!)

Cherie---I won't be able to go to the bathroom as a result of just reading your note...

In it to win it...

From: Katie (also the sibling who is the mother of a six-month-old baby)

I would sooo love to join in this Biggest Loser madness. There was actually a point there today that I thought I could pull it off and then here I am at the end of the day, just put Savannah down for bed, and I am tired as all hell sitting in a house full of unpacked bags and a sink filled with dishes. You couldn't pay me $500 right now to work out. I do go for power walks almost daily with Savannah in the Ergo, but on days like today, where the highs are in the 20's (yes, Memphis gets that cold in the winter, fucking frigid-ass wasteland), we can only stay out for so long before her little chunky cheeks turn cold and red and I feel like I am pulling a Britney with frostbite...

With that being said, have at it guys and good luck!! Please include me in on the banter as each and every one of you make me piss my pants!

Love ya and Happy BL 2010!

From: Pete

I'm in. Even though I'll just end up giving the cash to Dan for Nordic Trac parts. Yes Dan let's start the tenth. That will give me some time to get back under the horse. Katie I'm hating winter wasteland too. It snowed all weekend and I barely left the house. SAD is kicking my ass.

From: Tara

Phatfux: Charlene's turtleneck story, love it! SAD is real..and so is Katie's disclaimer. Sledding will be a workout and facebook may be skipped...

From: Lola

Katjak---Just remember to take some you time for a bath or The Real World from time to time...

T&P--- SAD is my mortal enemy. I'm planning on investing in one of those therapeutic light boxes---will let you know the outcome.

T---Sledding, I love it!

Jan. 10---Secretary DL will send an announcement.

From: Dan

Workout is 30 Minutes - Maximum three per day
Contest Begins January 10th and ends on February 12th
Cost is $20 per person - winner takes all. In the event of a tie - pot is split

IN:
Dan
Lola
Tara
Becky
Cherie
Pete

Out:
Katie
Jeff? (Bec's husband)
Savannah

Report on Facebook

From: Pete

I'd like to report stage 4 chub rub.

From: Becky

I'd like to report that my pants are too short for my heels today because my thighs are so big that my pants are riding up on said thighs!! Wtf...day 4 of perfect eating...here i come!

From: Becky

I did it! For the first time in months...I did an hour long yoga tape. If we are all in agreement that yoga counts, then I get two checks! The cutest part was that Molly did the whole thing with me. I had a yoga mat for her and she took her part seriously...although, she was falling during warrior and triangle pose (is that the name??) and trying to grab me for support. Punk! Anyway, we did it and there is more where that came from, I'm happy to report. I'm so in it to win it!

From: Pete

I played pond hockey for two checks. And also to score goals on little kids and rub it in their face.

From: Lola

I got one check this morning (though I did 32 minutes so my official report is one check and six percent of a second one).

Also, I’m putting some of this banter on the blog. Anyone object? (If you do, I foresee big problems for my writing career.) I wonder if this will ruin the natural flow or up everyone’s game. I just wanted to share the pleasure that these e-mails give me but I don’t want to give you stage fright. I feel like I understand the dilemma of reality stars now...I don’t want this to change you. (You know I have millions of readers so don’t be surprised if you start getting recognized...)

P.S. I’ll remove any questionable material (swearing is obviously fine and encouraged) and will correct as many spelling issues as I can.

Our leader.

My other 28 New Year's resolutions

I'm trying to get some sort of book list on here but I've yet to figure out the technology. Until then, there will be this post. (You can click on the picture to enlarge it if you are unable to make out any of the titles or authors.)

It is the great frustration of my life that I am the world’s slowest reader and will meet my demise without getting through all the books I want to. (Well, my greatest frustration other than not having the singing voice of a large black woman as I have always dreamed; if I could Spew like that, instead of alone at a computer screen, I would never be depressed again.)

The stack pictured above is my 2010 to-do (if ADD doesn’t thwart me) list.

These too:

Lit: A Memoir by Mary Karr
Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper by Diablo Cody
EnLightened: How I Lost 40 Pounds with a Yoga Mat, Fresh Pineapples and a Beagle Pointer by Jessica Berger Gross
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life by Barbara Kingsolver
Undiscovered by Debra Winger
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
Too Fat to Fish by Artie Lange
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Second Edition by Hope Edelman

(I would also like to finish all my Oprah Magazines dating back to this past March and do a crossword puzzle once in a while.)

What this list doesn’t include?

A) The books I can’t remember right now.
B) The new books I will get all spazzy about and want to read (buy) right away.
C) A 500-pager I've just started and with which I'm having commitment issues.

Getting through all of these by 2011 will be a challenge (the best kind of challenge one could have), though this is no reflection of my feelings about the books. My brain is a lot like a rabid dog, all convoluted and foamy and doing circles. Often, when I sit down to relax with a good book, my mind will have me read the same sentence over and over again while another part of it diverts to a different stream of thought brought on by the mere mention of some random word like "lentil" or "Chatanooga." Ten minutes will pass of me just staring at the page and then I'll come to and realize I have no idea what I just read. Then I start to read again and do the same thing for another 10 minutes. I’ve lost hours to this. (Really.)

Or, if my brain sees that I'm enjoying myself and not ruminating for even a minute, it decides to fall on its side and go to sleep. I could be reading All the Juicy Secrets: The Answers To the Mysteries in Lola Mellowsky's Head and if my brain wants to meander or rest, off it goes.

Still, I'm so excited for all these books that I think my brain is going to back me up. If you know of any great books I need to add to the list, let me know. Also, if you plan on, end up, or presently are reading any of these books, let me know. We could discuss. I'll tell you all about this one sentence that moved me so.

I resolved not to write about resolutions and here I go anyway.

This is where our bedroom TV once sat. No more TV in bed---a bad habit which was both born from and further perpetuates insomnia.

Dan put this picture up in its place.

New Year’s resolutions are annoying. It’s not even the concept that irritates me---I get it; a new year, a convenient time for a change---it’s the changes people pick. It’s the five pounds here and the quitting smoking there. It’s the stuff of spending less and writing thank you cards more promptly (she said as her Christmas cards sat unwritten in a bag) that so aggravates me. Those New Year’s resolutions suck. Sorry if they’re yours, they still suck. These are the resolutions that give resolutions a bad wrap. Nobody can stick to these; they’re too...sucky. My new theory is that people need to make more enjoyable resolutions; promises that a person might, I don’t know, want to keep.

What if instead of vowing to do things you don’t want to do, you opt to pick things you actually like? How about instead of deciding not to eat so much sugar, you choose to get more sleep? What if instead of saying that you’re going to stop getting so stressed out, you offer yourself more baths throughout the year? Ya dig? We all have things we like to do that we don’t do enough of; taking time off, napping on the weekends, knitting, walking. Make those promises to yourself. Not to sound all L’Oreal, but you’re worth it. (Note: I like walking. I don’t care for exercise. Trick yourself if you need to.)

I just feel like all the other shit you have to do---losing weight, quitting drinking, cutting back on the meth---all falls under the umbrella of getting healthy. In most cases, New Year’s resolutions deal with health on some level, be it mental, emotional, financial or physical. In my experience (which involves having been unhealthy in all those areas), approaching those goals with rigidity and sternness is not a good long-term plan. (Even financial health. Dan and I never fight more than when we’re completely abstaining from any “non-necessity” spending. This past year we paid down over $16,000 in debt and also took a four-week trip to London. We are richer people for having taken that trip and that’s a lot of debt to be rid of.) I understand the inclination to set strict guidelines---it seems like a good plan---but it lends itself to that massive sense of failure or loss of self-esteem when you inevitably blow it. How many times have you fallen off a diet and then gone on a food bender because you feel, hell, I already failed, I might as well keep eating? It’s just not a good long-term strategy. Goals like spending less or losing oppressive weight are important, of course, but making it a “resolution” stakes the whole year’s success on it and that’s risky. (To me, goals are different than resolutions. Life-enhancing resolutions will help you to meet your goals.)

Resolve to treat yourself better. Take an hour to listen to a favorite CD once in a while or buy a new one and fold the laundry while listening to it. Get a magazine and give yourself a half hour to read it at a cute coffee shop or buy a pair of soft socks. Even those of you who say you don’t have any extra time can find a half hour a month (a week?) for yourselves. Feeling good promotes feeling better. I know I’m getting all Oprah on your ass, but this is how I’m going into this year and I’ve never felt more excited and optimistic. (Cut to February when I’m sticking my head in the refrigerator just for the extra light.)

If you’re going to approach anything with discipline in the new year, make it being nicer to yourself. As someone once told me, children don’t thrive in cruel environments and neither do you---be good to yourself.

That said, my New Year’s resolutions are:

Cook more---because I like cooking and miss doing it. The fact that it will lend itself to becoming a better cook, eating healthier and having more sit-down dinners with Dan; icing on the gluten-free cake.

Read more--- because I love reading and I’m tired of feeling like it’s a guilty pleasure. Payoffs include BOOKS, learning, falling asleep earlier and probably becoming a better writer. (This is why we moved the TV. It was more about giving than taking, see?) One could argue that I might consider reading to be part of my job, but that feels like rationalization and I shouldn’t have to rationalize reading. (Plus, I need to save all my rationalizing for my next resolution.)

Meditate more---Despite the fact that my brain knows that even five minutes of closed-eyes silence could benefit me immeasurably, it is easy for me to cast this one to the bottom of the list due to busyness. It’s a tricky one as sometimes it feels as tedious as exercise (trying to avoid tedium, remember?) but it also could be a midday gift. I truly believe cultivating this skill will be a key to my eternal happiness. You know what’s not? Sending thank-you cards no more than a week after I receive a gift.

You see why I’m excited for 2010? A year of cooking more, reading more, meditating more---that’s something to look forward to! It’s actually getting me pumped for the whole decade. Would vowing to put the laundry away immediately after folding it do that? I think not.

So, enough with your sucky resolutions. Stop being a hater and make a promise to yourself that you want to keep. Do something you enjoy! (Unless, of course, what you enjoy is sending late thank you cards while doing meth and binge eating...at least cut back on all that.)

Can we pretend I posted this entry yesterday?

Like myself, my computer caught a bug over the holidays. Dan spent a day trying to fix it and this is how he left it. I was still unable to access Blogger so, despite writing this yesterday, I was unable post it and went to bed all tantrum-y. He fixed it last night (post-tantrum) and I decided to put it up today anyway. (I'm adding "be adaptable" to my list of New Year's resolutions. I think this resolving to do things after you've done them is a pretty good technique when looking for high success rates for your NYRs.)

Setting: January 4, 2010 A back-to-work vim pulsates through the Spoffice air

Let's be honest, today---the first Monday of 2010---is the real start of the year. Nobody's starting any healthy habits or making positive changes on a Friday, New Year's Day or not. Any "bad" behavior you engaged in over the weekend---chain-smoking, eating a bag of marshmallows, beating your kids---is okay; as long as you start fresh today. If you mess up today though, you're fucked for the whole decade as far as I'm concerned. (Author's Note: Thus, last night's tantrum.)

It was this logic that got me up and exercising at 6am and showered, dressed and writing by 7:30. Of all of that, it's the getting dressed part I'm most proud of. Visit me at 12:30pm on a Tuesday and chances are I'll be at my desk in my jammies. I know getting dressed every day isn't the loftiest of New Year's resolutions, but it's a start.

I actually have quite a few resolutions for the year; for the entire '10s, in fact. (TBA; I'm narrowing...) And, yeah, saying "the '10s" feels as awkward as I thought it would. I truly have monster plans for the next ten years---articles, books, a snuff screenplay--- and if I want to stick to my plan of owning Oprah (or at least Gayle) by the decade's end, I have to get to work.

So the weekend was spent trying to get my life in complete order. (And also watching the third season of Dexter which was killer (ha!)and the first season of United States of Tara which is a de-fucking-lightful show and sort of makes me wish I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as MPD). Do you watch? Who's your favorite "alter"? Mine's Buck. After finishing the first season of Nurse Jackie a while back during a bender at my sister's house I was left depressed and grieving its end. Tara showed me I can love again...I will have to devote a whole entry to the show's creator Diablo Cody---who also wrote the screenplay for Juno--- and how I want to be her.)

It really was a productive weekend of new decade preparation and I've got the pictures to prove it.



Initial tidying.



The starting point: I wanted to begin the year with a clean desk. If you look closely, you can see Texas themed temporary tattoos on the left foreground of the desk...the secret of any good writing. (Thank you, Jarvino.)



"A book to write a desk on...I mean a besk to write a dook on..."-LM, while admiring her work.



My favorite part. Nobody would love this more than my seven-year-old niece who recently asked me, "Lola, what's OCD?" in response, apparently, to my common use of the term to describe her penchant for lining things up.



Present day: I had to make room in the closet for the stuff from my desk.




Tote-al heaven. Does anyone else get a hard-on for office supplies? Forget flowers and oysters; Dan need only come home with manila folders, metal mail sorters and plastic filing units for me to want to jump his bones. (This is how I plan to clean up the mess on the bed...that's what she said.)

So, though the job remains unfinished and my totes seem empty, they are filled with the promise of an ordered and productive 2010.

Literally:


The Bookish

I'll keep you posted on any progress...pun very much intended.

In Memoriam 2009