My Big Fat Irish/Italian/Russian Jewish Family

I think my brother-in-law, Pete, might be using performance enhancers.

Starting in mid-January, my sisters, Pete, Dan and I entered into a contest known as the Biggest Loser ('cuz we're the creative type when it comes to naming things). It's an exercise competition where we all throw in $20 to play. Everyone earns one check for every 30 minutes of exercise they complete with a maximum earning capacity of three checks per day. The person with the most checks at the end of the competition (in mid-February) takes the pot. The following is an online conversation among contestants. (Note: We're big on nicknames so the general rule is that the beginning letter of the nickname matches the beginning letter of the corresponding sibling. Example: T-Roxx is Tara.)

From: Dan
To: Biggest Loser Posse

Dan has two checks today - Jane Fonda Workout! Going to the mall now for an Orange Julius.

Score on Monday at 9 PM:

Dan - 2
Pete - 2
Becky - 2
Lola -1
Tara -1
Cherie (How many Chirl?)
Pete's Inner Thighs - -1

From: Pete

Two more for me. My chub rub is all healed. I've been slowly applying ointment at the gym with one leg up on the sink.

From: Cherie

One check for Chirl today. Had to get my plans in order to see Katie and the rest of the Memphis family! Can't wait, people. Gonna see that SAVVY and those big fat cheeks!

And Dan, I just read the Jane Fonda and Orange Julius comment and was transported back to 1986!

From: Tara

When I first read that Dan was going to the Mall I figured he was going to become a "mall walker"...but not so. After I do the dishes and make our lunches I will get a check...stay tuned. Ben also was with me pretending his little blue ball was a medicine ball...good partner in the making.

Great job phatties!

From: Dan

Two checks for me. I did three laps around Athlete's Foot and a speed walk past DOTS.

From: Cherie

ASSSSS Dan! Two checks for Chirl please, one for yesterday and one for today on the Memphis riverwalk! It's damn warm here so hopefully I will be adding on the checks like what! Also- does bench pressing Savvy count for anything? (It should!) Joking, Katie!

From: Dan

Two checks for Dan. A little Jazzercise.
Lola is finishing up her two as well.
Nice work Chirley! Give our Memphis friends our love.
Pete - Any checks or are you doing the bachelor dance in your undies, eating a bag of chips for dinner and watching a Monster Truck movie while Cherie's away?
Tara - Did you get that check yesterday?
Becky - Awful quiet...

Totals:

Dan and Pete 6
Cherie 4
Lola 3
Becky 2
Tara 1

From: Pete

Two checks today. I eat soup when my wife is away. That way it doesn't ruin my meal while I cry.

From: Dan

Pete 8
Dan 6
Cherie 4
Lola 3
Becky 2
Tara 1

I think Pete is also leading on the witty banter count as well.

From: Lola

I wanted to report my checks to the posse but it seems as though Dan has already included them in the tally.

Signed,
Sleeping with the club secretary

P.S. Pete is well on his way to MVP status. Perhaps we should include Chirl and Pete in the Breslin/Mellederer Olympics?

Also, one check for this morning...slow and steady wins the race.

Petey, are you training for a marathon fuh real? Remember to tape your nipples...

From: Cherie

Love how fun and funny all you bitches are!!! Mellowaluk/Mellederer/Breslin Olympics here we come!

From: Becky

Pittsburgh trips and seven customer appointments didn't leave for a lot of check-worthy time this week, but I'm in it to win it and will be back with vengeance this weekend. Stay tuned on my checkage.

Chirl---Yes, that butterball is every bit like a weight! How did I miss the memo that you were headed to Memphis? Wtf!

From: Dan

Excuses are like Belly Buttons, Becky - everybody has one.

From: Cherie

Two more checks for Chirl, ‘cause “I was walking in Memphis"! Sorry Bec- thought you read my facebook banter about my trip. Thought you were in the know!

From: Pete

Yes, Laura I'm going to run a marathon in Newport in October. No tape needed. I have a Nike sports bra that holds a water bottle between my titties. Three more checks today. And lost two more lbs. Now I'm down to a C cup.

BECKY…Becky…becky…becky…(That was a written echo effect.)

Laura, you're welcome to borrow that but I want a footnote.

From: Becky

Pete...you rang?

Yup, count me in for two checks this morning! After binging on Helluva Good Gip late-night along with Margaritas world famous salsa and chips, it’s time to get my game face back ON! So...yup...more checks to come tomorrow as well! I will be in a bathing suit in April at Disney and I do need to get serious about getting this flub under control!

From: Tara

Can you hear that? It is my self esteem plummeting. No checks 'til later...my house is gross...excuse #4265.

From: Becky

Trox...if it makes you feel better, my "straight and narrow" turned into a big ass plate of cheese and crackers and a glass of wine while I did some online shopping...gluttony and laziness all wrapped in one!

From: Tara

That sounds beautiful..I am salivating. Why does all that have to be wrong- that is a dream day. I WILL get a check for god’s sake!

From: Pete

Up for consideration. Does snowboarding count? That's how I spent my Sunday.

From: Katie

Pete - indubitably.

Tara - You are busy, don't let your self esteem falter, be proud of how fantastic you are.

Beck - I want some of that defriggenlicious smoked chedda that you and Jeff always have, right now.

From: Dan

Snowboarding - hmmm? Definitely a rigorous activity. However, you do spend some time in a chair lift and possibly in the lodge drinking Cappuccinos. I'm going to have to leave it in the hands of the committee.

In the Mellederer homeland - two checks each for Dan and Lola on Sunday.

From: Cherie

Dan- I just read that aloud in your best tea-baggin' voice and I LOVED it! And please count me for 2 checks today.

In other news I'm staying an extra day with my sissle, Savvy and Gary in Memphis. Can you say HELL YEAH! Love my life!

From: Tara

Snowboarding I'll give one check...cuz sledding with Molly and Bec, I felt my heart beat more than when doing the tree pose. Have fun Chuck and Katjak!

From: Pete

I'll take one check for the day on Sunday if everyone agrees. I was sweating and my legs are sore. That's what she said.

From: Becky

Pete--snowboarding is definitely exercise. I would give that two checks if it was a full day and the majority of the day, to Dan's point, was spent on the slopes versus sucking back cocktails (cappuccinos are for sallys on the slopes!). So, there you have it. Dan, time to weigh in on the final decision.

I was fat and lazy and didn't get a single check yesterday...far too busy watching Band of Brothers and eating cheese and wine. I will get a check for today, however.... stay tuned on that!

From: Dan

Funny Eyebrow Face on all this Snowboarding ballyhoo.

Funny Eyebrow Faces (noun)- A term coined by Katie Mellow to describe how one's face reacts to a peculiar, often suspicious, situation; usually includes the rising or downward pointing of eyebrows

From: Becky

Haha...I vote yes to the snowboarding, but I'll defer to the larger group. In other news, I just got two checks and burned 740 calories in the process. Can I get a hallelujah?! Do yourself a fava and watch Biggest Loser while doing any exercise. I wanted to bail on the bike, but those folks, who are morbidly obese I might add, had to bike 26 miles for their first competition. If they can do it, I better keep my fat, tubby ass on that bike...for at least an hour! So, with that said, I'll be eating a fine meal in the North End of Boston tonight. Restraint or no restraint during dinner...that is the question!

From: Tara

No restraint! That bike ride sounded right on! In this lazy world Pete gets one or two checks, definitely not zero. He is lucky he found something fun to do. It's not like he is Matthew McConaughey, he likes to sit and have cheese too. He's just keepin' busy while his hot wife is hookin' up with Gary's friends.

From: Lola

Benny---way to be on the bike front! Didn't I tell you Biggest Loser would motivate you. How 'bout Jillian's arms? That keeps me going; I want those arms! (Plus, I love her.)

On the snowboarding front---I'll give Pete two for it. I wish I had a hobby which got me off my ass.

My question to the committee is this: Yesterday I did a walk for an hour and 15 minutes. When I got home I was imbalanced and thus had to eat instead of doing another 15 mins. I would have pushed through 15 minutes later on in the day (an ab/arm video or the such) if it could have gotten me a check but since it wouldn’t have, I didn’t do it. Could that 30 consecutive minute thing be waived in the event of a similar situation in the future. (Ain't nothing getting in the way of my 12 o'clock feeding.)

I'm not going to shovel today because it won't earn me any checks---somehow I feel this isn't the attitude this contest is supposed to inspire.

L,L

P.S. I have this machine called---I kid you not---"Leg Magic" and I plan to have thighs like arms come summah!

From: Dan

Lola, It really embarrasses me when you tell everyone that you call me "Leg Magic."

By the way, my questioning of the check for Snowboarding was always a matter of one check or two. I definitely think it is exercise that is check-worthy - I was just questioning one or two.

The mob has spoken and two shall it be.

From: Cherie

Yeah, T-Roxx, Gary's friends are sizzling hot and all the ab and arm workouts I'm getting from "hooking up" should count as a check!

Lo- I would have to say that it's still working out and it should count. Being imbalanced is never a good thang whilst working on one's fitness. And I really wanna know what leg magic is...sounds kinda kinky, especially as Dan's new nickname!

Hahahaha I love this shit!

From: Tara

Shoveling gives grown men heart attacks..that is a check! The nourishment need is not a problem for me. The point is to MOVE and not be a lazy sloth! Should we get the arm bands like on Biggest Loser?

From: Pete

Chirl, you probably have a six pack from holding in your farts. Thank you all for the two checks. No checks yet today but I do have a big walk planned. Becky, nice work---an hour on the bike is no easy task. Lola, I'm not sure about stringing together workout times but if it makes you work more it has to be a good thing. Letter or spirit of the law, I don't know.

From: Katie
Pete - Chirl and I are dying right now. Assssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!

From: Tara

I have two checks for today so my grand total is freaking FOUR!! I am sore...so there. I have NOT counted vacuuming...but it can get serious.

From: Dan

Banter has been a little slow the last few days. Two for me on Tuesday. Here is where we stand:

Pete - 13
Dan - 12
Cherie and Lola - 8
Rebecca - 6
Tara - 5

Let's keep it going people!

From: Becky

Wtf...PETE with 13 and Dan with 12!!! What is going ON! Let's kick it up a notch, ladies! We can't let the boys win. They don't even care what they look like in a bathing suit!! Time to turn it up a notch!

From: Tara

Let's do a do-over..they started too fast...Where's Lana?

From: Pete

Hello. Cherie and I both went on a Cliff Walk powerwalk for 2 checks today. The race is still very close. Watch out though---Chirl is working the rest of the week leaving me free to go to the gym.

Dan, oil up that Nordic trac.

Becky, I do care what I look like in a bathing suit. I just don't talk about all those afternoons spent quietly crying in the Marshalls dressing room while I try on suit after suit...then eating a whole cheese cake from Stop and Shop.

From: Becky

Lol...ASS, PETE...That Really does sound like me. I've decided my issue is that I can't string together more than two "straight and narrow" days in a row. I think I've done so well if I'm good for two days and then the shit hits the fan and I'm back on the platter of cheese...wtf!

1/2 hour on the bike watching Biggest Loser today...to do that today means working ‘til 11 tonight...still worth it!

From: Katie

Pete, you are so hysterically warped that I cannot take it. Beck, good friggin work.

From: Dan

Score Update:

Petey - 15
Dan and Chirley - 12
Lola - 8
Becky - 7
Tara - 5

From: Cherie

WOW, am I really tied with Dan?! YEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!

From: Cherie (after for a few slow banter days)

C'mon people..... Where are ya?? Anyone? Anyone? Well, count me down for another two checks today! It's very quiet in these parts, nobody has anything to say?

From: Cherie (after a few more)

HELLO BILLLLLLLYYYYYY???? 2 more checks for today, if anyone wants to know.

(Blogger’s note: Billy is not a new character. Cherie uses the term Billy loosely. If she sees a hot guy, she’s been known to point him out, raise her eyebrows and in a raspy, low voice say, “Billy...” If we lose reception during a phone call, it’s “You there? Billy? Hello? Billy?” Billy is not a real person and I don’t where he came from. Chirl, you wanna weigh in?)

From: Dan

As of January 27th, 2010:

Dan - 17
Pete and Cherie - 16
Lola - 13
Becky - 9
Tara - 5

16 more days to go!

From: Tara

Why do Pete and Charlaine match? I smell dishonesty...

From: Pete

One more for today which means a tie. Tara, you smell.

From: Tara

Oh yeah, one check for today...guess I do smell since I finally started working out. Tomorrow I got a sub so I'll get another check, too...It's all about personal growth for me.

From: Cherie

One check for me yesterday. None today.... Hangovas!!!!

From: Lola

I don’t know what’s been reported but I got a couple of checks yesterday. (The sun was out and I went frolicking.) I also got 3 checks between Monday and Tuesday...sorry for questionable check reporting but Dan usually keeps track.

What’s the rule on two 45-minute sessions? Good for 3 checks? Be honest because if I win, I don’t want an asterisk by my name. (Did I say if...I mean when.)

From: Becky

I would be okay with two 45 minute sessions being 3 checks...Hell, if you have that kind of motivation to do double sessions (did I mention that Lola's thighs have gotten smaller in circumference...the dream has been realized) then I say you deserve the accolades and associated checks with those sessions! So, that's a big, fat...hell yeah! In other news, I'm in Memphis visiting Katie and hope to report some checks today and tomorrow. In fact, after yesterday's pants-splitting-in-ass-at-airport-debacle, I would argue it's imperative! So, if you don't hear from me, force me to get on the treadmill!

To: Blog peeps
From: Lola

I'm going to win this competition...just watch.