You're not the boss of me, shitty Monday.

It is sofuckingcold. Dan took this picture of me retreating into my turtle shell while we were in the car. Sofuckingcold.

I've decided that for the rest of my life I'm going to do whatever I can to make Mondays the most fun day of the week so that I can stop dreading it. For me, it's not the actual events of the day that I dread. (There's certainly a difference between showing up to a poorly lit office full of assholes---my apologies to all whom have to do this today---and showing up to a desk in my colorful spoffice and later to see a freckle-nosed niece whom I adore.) But it's the pressure that smothers me. Every Monday feels like it is supposed to be the start of my life becoming whatever it is I want it to be and then by the day's end I am somehow disappointed that I wasn't able to make all that happen by dinnertime.

(Never mind the fact that I am unable to digest the fact that much of what I really want my life "to be" is the ability to write all day and also to have the flexibility to see my friends and loved ones when I want to; which is pretty much how things are now. I am perfectly aware of how profoundly stupid it is to know that I already have most of what I want and still be consumed by the search...It's like looking for your sunglasses when they're on top of your head (and, as in this case, you know they're on top of your head). I'm sure some day I will have this realization (yes, a realization about something I've already realized...something I've already realized I've realized, in fact) and will chastise myself: You wasted all that time! You looked everywhere! And they were on your head the whole time! And you knew it! And you knew you knew it! Idiot!)

So, in order to make things a little more fun, I am going to engage in one or even all of the following activities every Monday for the rest of my life.

1. Play Ring Around the Rosy with Dan when he wakes up.

2. Make prank phone calls to stay-at-home moms.

Example.
Me: "Hi. Is John there?"
Caller: "No, he's at work."
Me: "Oh...Well, did he tell you what time I was supposed to meet him at the hotel?"

3. Today Show drinking games.

4. Bone cruises.

5. Call in a bomb threat to an elementary school.

6. Replace Dan's windshield wiper fluid with ink.

7. Throw rocks at the neighbor's dog (or the neighbors).

8. Contact old boyfriends.

9. Call Dan every hour on the hour.

10. Write a list of everything my parents did wrong while raising me and read it to them over the phone.

Obviously I have a busy day ahead of me, so I better be going.

But first, a weekend review:

Friday night:

Best Date Night Ever
-Met Dan for dinner at Chipotle after work
-Went to the Movies ("Up In the Air"...good movie that would have been great were it not for the hype)
-Went to Barnes and Noble for hot cocoa, a gooey cookie and chatting; eavesdropped on a man telling whomever was on the other end of his cell phone that he was cancer free (our interest was piqued when we heard him say "Are you sitting down?"); spent an hour browsing books until the store made the "we're closing, get the fuck out" announcement.

Saturday:

8:30am My first official yoga class. A yoga studio, which is, literally, a three-minute drive from my house, held a free open house so I decided to check it out. Loved it (and am embarrassed it took me this long to get there). At the beginning of class the teacher asked what words we think of when we hear the word "enlightened." At random, my classmates offered their answers: "Tranquil...Present...Loving...Grateful...Able to breath" It took even the stores of resistance I keep between my toes to keep from shouting out, "White power."

Saturday night:

Watched Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism and got the shit scared out of us. It's not so much that I was shocked to find out how skewed their "news" is---I know this about Fox, as I know to question every news channel and outlet---it was hearing people speak (many with their voices distorted by their own request and for their own protection) about the ways in which they were told---by corporate memo---what information to provide the public...or exclude. Of course, the worst part about Fox is that they sell themselves as the "Fair and Balanced" network and people buy it. I'm not saying their aren't agendas everywhere but this is just sickening.

Sunday:

Noon: My second official yoga class. This was actually a two-hour long "Restorative Yoga" class and was more focused on meditation than the more physical yoga I had done the day before. It was totally new and surprisingly challenging. My five minutes of meditating most mornings did nothing to prepare me for two hours of it. Dan and I took the class together and as I glanced over at him, his feet up on the wall as he balanced on a bolster, the blood flowing down to his heart, the peace of the room between us, I thought about how I can't fucking believe I'm fucking married to a man who will take a fucking yoga class with me. (For the record, he had already tried the class before and brought me along this time...guess which one of us used the new yoga mat that I bought him for Christmas?)

2:30 Lunch at Panera

3:30 "More Yoga"

Sunday night:

Ate leftover Chinese food and watched some of the Grammys (never watch the Grammys despite my status as awards' show junkie but was looking for the MJ tribute) and was amazed by the magnitude of the performances. More amazing? The Friendly's sundae that Dan brought home, made with---get this---Hunka Chunka PB Fudge ice cream. Do yourself a favah and try that ice cream. It's better than "More Yoga."

10pm: Read myself to sleep, grateful for a five-star weekend.

And now it is a great Monday and I'm not going to spend it beating myself up for not making it on the best seller's list with a book I've not yet written.

Besides, it's 12 o'clock. Time to call Dan.

P.S. I sent Dan a copy of this before I posted it, asking him if "white power" was too much (since sometimes I can't see that line for myself).

His response:

"I like it, sweetie. White Power is always funny. Well, when it’s meant to be funny."