Some people count sheep...

Last night before I went to bed, I had a brief conversation with a friend who was horrified because she had mistakenly left something out while her cleaning lady was at her house that my friend would have preferred she not see. (Sorry to be Vaguey McVaguester but my friends need to be able to talk to me without thinking they’re on the record...at least completely. Plus, it’ll be fun for you to imagine what it was.) To ease her angst I explained that I was sure her cleaning lady had seen much, much worse things and then recommended that she start leaving things like bloody knives and black gloves around to really arouse her suspicion.

Then I thought, “What a fun game!” and fell asleep thinking of other such things one could leave around the house to dismay a stranger. Thus was born:

Top 10 ways to appall the person who cleans your house:

1) Leave kiddie porn up on your computer.
2) Using cut-out letters from magazines craft a note which reads “You have two more days to get me the money...”
3) Stash a bag of empty nips in your kid’s toy box.
4) Write a to-do list and somewhere on the list put “Call the hooker.”
5) Keep a stack of books about faking your own death on your bedside table.
6) Hang a bunch of Karen Carpenter pictures on your fridge.
7) Have your husband write a note telling you to enjoy your week while he’s away. Put a Post-It next to it which says “Buy condoms.”
8) Stash a bottle of vodka at the bottom of your laundry pile.
9) Write “Red Rum” on your mirror in red lipstick.
10) Leave a pile of newspaper clippings about murdered cleaning ladies on the counter.

It's nice to have a little levity around here, eh?