You guys, I'm going to lose my shit. Have you heard of these things---fungus gnats? They're similar to fruit flies but seem smaller and more annoying. We don't have an infestation but enough of the little fungus fucks to piss me off. Apparently they feed on house plants. I've put my plants outside for several hours at a time---hoping to freeze the fungus fucks out---to no avail. This weekend Dan poured a dish soap and water solution on them---enough to soak the roots---and we left them outside once again but though there are less of them, the problem has not been entirely eradicated. And I think seeing one or two means that pretty soon they'll get humpin' and there will be more fungus fucks on the way.
I love my houseplants. I love that I have kept them mostly alive. I felt sad watching them through the window, shivering in the cold breeze outside like scolded puppies. But if they have bugs, I'm willing to let them go. (This, I'm certain, is also how I'd handle a child who came home with lice.) My next step is to repot all the plants with fresh soil but I'll admit that I'm a little hesitant to take on this project until the temps break fifty degrees and I get a sunny day. (Once again, I'm wary that this could be a potential parenting technique---my not tending to my kids' needs until the weather gets warm and I see the sun.)
The thing that is so, so aggravating about them is that they are attracted to light so they want to get all up on my computer screen (as if I need another reason to shut my laptop). Also, because apparently fungus fucks are the worst creatures of all and are attracted to sources of carbon dioxide, when they show up, they head for my mouth and nose. For my mouth and nose, you guys! My innocently open mouth and helplessly open nose.
The problem isn't so bad that I'm sitting in a swarm of bugs, the idea of which upsets me to even write. (Mercifully, I've never been swarm-of-bugs depressed. I remember listening to Paula Deen talk about how the lowest point of her depression was when she watched a pile of her pet bird's droppings that had amassed on the floor get carried across the room by a pack of roaches. The image has never left me. I'm sorry to have put it in your head but I heard that story over five years ago and I've really needed to talk about it.) The fungus fucks are not even swarming around one particular plant, which is part of the problem. I can't find "the source," which is what every website tells me I need to locate if I really want to take care of the situation. It's not an infestation (yet), it's just that every twenty minutes or so, one floats in and gets up on my grill and I shake my face and flail my arms and scream, "Get away, fungus fuck!" and then it flies away only to come back and haunt me a few minutes later.
It's making me just crazy enough to need to vent about it here...and maybe move.
Anybody know anything about fungus fucks?
Please pray for my mouth and nose.
6 comments:
I have no fungus advice, but I am both disturbed and amused about the Paula Deen bird poo depression (sorry Paula, no disrespect). If I am ever depressed, what I plan on doing is making Paula's Snickers cake. If you have a chance to watch that segment, do it. Long story short, it is a chocolate cake with chunks of Snickers, frosted with Snickers, and topped with cubed up Snickers. Paula then unwrapped one last full size Snickers and stabbed it through the center of her piece of cake. She then added a sprig of mint, saying "Then we add our vegetables. That's how we stay healthy."
Maybe you can send the bugs into diabetic comas by feeding them Snickers cake?
Babysittah
I think Babysittah's cure is worth a shot Lola!
I can't even explain to you the noise that came out of me while I was on a conf call and reading this post at the same time. (You don't have any of my co-workers as followers, do you? Cause #1 they could attest to the snort that came out of me and #2 they will now know why I wasn't pay any attention to the call...)
I don't even know what to say except that I will help you pack because I, too, would be moving out. Of course, you really can't pack anything because what if they end up in your bags without you knowing? And then what?
You are seriously the funniest writer to ever hit the planet. EVER. I will never in my life look at fruit flies or fungus fucks (I don't think we have ever had any but you can never be too sure) the same way again because now I have the imagine of them humpin' and multiplyin'.
Love ya Losey,
JD
*image, not imagine....
still snortin'
JD
Didn't you post about a fruit fly trap you created once?? (or am I imagining that??) Maybe you could try that again! Seriously, nothing worse than little flying bugs!!
Holy crap! I had those and never knew what they were. Get this though- they lived in me laptop!!!! I kept telling my husband I had bugs in my computer (not kidding at all). You just made me realize they have been gone since k got a new laptop.
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