Tulips were one of her favorite flowers so I pick them up whenever I see 'em at the store. A bloom this lovely feels like a gift she's giving.Sometimes I go to sleep begging her to visit me in my dreams. A couple of weeks ago, the night my dad had his seizure, I dreamt that I got to hug her. (I always tell Dan that, more than anything, I wish I could just hug her again.) In the dream she laughed at me as I clung to her and asked me, "What is it you love so much about hugging me?" and I got to tell her about the warmth of her hug, the love of her hug, the feel of her arms. In the morning I felt like she came for a visit when I needed her most. I'm hoping she decides to make a habit of this.
Bad news today. The pathology report showed that the tumor in my dad's brain was a malignant high-grade tumor versus a low-grade one as they originally expected. This means that recurrence is not only likely, but could be quick. (Though I have no idea what "quick" yet means in terms of tumor recurrence.) Basically, it's a more aggressive tumor than they initially expected (a III on the I to IV scale). The neurosurgeon recommended that my dad start chemotherapy and radiation as soon as possible in order to hopefully kill those microscopic tumor cells that weren't removed with surgery and thwart/slow growth. An appointment with an oncologist has already been scheduled.
More oncologists.
My dad, like all of us, seems to be a bit shocked. He'll end his stay at the rehab hospital this coming Friday and then head home for out-patient occupational, physical and speech therapy three times a week. He's managing some longer sentences with effort and is able to express his needs but he's not yet capable of real conversation and is still struggling to express spontaneous thought. The doctor told us again today that it could take six months to a year for his speech to fully return.
Not much more to say on this front. None of us know enough about the specifics of this tumor to understand more than this. Questions bring more questions. I hate how fucking familiar that feels.
And I wish my mom was here to guide us through it.
Bit of a bummer, this entry, but I know some of you were waiting for the news...
It's 7:50 and I'm in bed...that's the kind of tired we're talking about here. An emotional fatigue that is just oppressive. I can't imagine what my dad is feeling.
No witty ending here...just a solemn what the fuck?
18 comments:
Unreal. Thanks for updating. You've had some hard ones to write and this one must have been right up there near the top. Glad speech is retruning (slow as it may be).
Nice dream. I'm glad your mom visits you in your dreams. Hope she visits again soon.
Always in my thoughts.
Love, Mart
Hey Laura, Well I guess I fit into the "blog stalker" category, b/c I have read a bunch but have yet to comment- until now of course.
I am deeply sorry to hear about the sad news of your mom and now the most recent development of your dad's.....
(Despite the sad news you deliver in many of your posts, I just have to say , your a riot!!! I laugh and cry every single time I read your spews.....)
I feel the need to say a little something as a former childhood water street (vicinty) "member"- And I think I'll speak for any other "members";)- Hope this lifts your spirit even a little
Your house literally lit up the neighborhood growing up!!! The laughter and energy, at all times, that flowed out of your beautiful big white house was/is tangible. Your amazing parents and sisters have imprinted my soul with a smile when I think back to my portmouth years:) You are a special crew, a true one of a kind. So happy/blessed to have grown up with you all
Hang in there, praying for you guys....xo
Love, Laura Foss
Laura, the strength and love of your mom will always be within you and your family. So glad for your dream. I'm still waiting after 9 years for my hug. All the previous responders are right tho-WTF says it all
As soon as I saw the picture~brought tears to my eyes. Then I read further on and they increased.
I love you guys!
Vidotto shuttle service is available!
Keep up the visits to your girls Gig! xoxox
Oh Losey- I LONG for a hug from our mamma EVERY SINGLE DAY! Just wish I could cuddle & snuggle and smell her again and again.... It really hurts so much that she isn't here with us through this and well---> EVERYTHING for that matter!!!
And the post that Laura Foss wrote brought tears to my eyes... I've been thinking a lot about the house and how MOM herself lit it up magically. So many memories, so many good times. It's all so changed now. And chemo & radiation again with the other parent just doesn't seem fair... I just wanna wake up from this dream and have mom & dad both here again, healthy.
Laura Foss...your note made me cry. Thank you for sharing. xoxo
My heart breaks for you. You are in my thoughts constantly. I am so glad to hear your Mom visits you...what a comfort...what a treasure.
I'm thinking we all get "What the Fuck" tramp stamps, to create a united front...or back...:), then we can moon the oncologists!
Love you,
BFYFM
Hi Laura, my parents asked me to get in touch with you and let you and your sisters know we're all praying for your Dad. You're in our thoughts always. Miss your Moms beautiful smile and contagious laughter so much!
Annie Dunn
My heart hurts for you .... my prayers and love are sent your way. Love to all, Doris Foss
Oh, my Lola. I don't even know where to begin. what. the. fuck. She is there even when you can't feel her or don't believe it. She is there in the strength she gave all her beautiful daughters. And she knew, she knows, that sometimes that strength still isn't enough - all mamas know that - but it is all we can give you. If we could take it all away, all our children's pain and worry, especially the pain, you know that we would.
I am devastated beyond words for my sweet old man to have been given such awful news on top of the fight he has already been fighting and struck by the strength and integrity that he has. I am crushed for my sweet friends and loving "sisters" for the amazing acceptance you've granted me, but moreover the love you've shown me at a time when you would think your hearts are too pained to allow another in. I am also somewhat embarrassed to admit that I am selfishly wallowing in my own self pity that I will not be able to call your Dad my partner in crime at work, coupled by my astonishment at the strength you all emanate. Lo, Tara, Cherie, Becky, and Katie...you all amaze me daily.
My heart weigh's heavy in so much sadness... I miss my work Dad so much, there are no words to describe how much I miss those kisses he planted on my head and how he'd say... "Today I will be working with the fabulous Lori Dowd...aren't we so lucky to have her here today?!" Ugh... and as a lump now rises in my throat I would say back, "No old man...I am the lucky one." Just so ridiculously unfair, as if life is some sort of fair or something?
Lo, my friend, my sister...I love you so much, I despise that you have to have this duplicity of pain...who said that we had to test your ability to handle being superwoman? The day you wrote this blog was the day I ironically put my own sweet Mom back on a plane to St. Louis after our lovely visit together, having not seen her for the last 6 months. I know my Mom often asks the question..."Why do you live all the way out here by yourself Lor, when your family is so far away?" However, I reassured her I knew a lot of the reason that I am here, was to meet all of you...to learn what strength of character really is. I told her of my second family that I have been blessed to know in all you Mellow's (I appreciated when one of you referred to me as Lori Mellowsky btw). I think my Mom left this time reassured that "my New England" family was as amazing as I had let on, after hearing so many stories of you all. I am so lucky to know you all, love you all and feel just a little like I may just be part of the fam. We should only hope that once in each of our lifetimes we are granted the privilege of knowing a family such as yours, it is only my honor that you all welcome me into it like you do.
Love always,
Lor
First of all, to all you Spew regulars who share in my what the fucking and have shown their support here, I thank you! I love it when you guys swear and I appreciate you sharing in my sentiments at this moment. Thank you all of your words of strength and encouragement!
Laura Foss---Now that you're out of the closet, I expect you to stay out and become a contributor here on the comments section. (No pressure.) But I thank you so much for what you wrote as it made me verklempt too. It really means so much to hear stories like that. P.S. I had to explain to Dan who the Foss family was---cuz the Foss family is P-mouth royalty; holla atcha Mrs. Foss---and the first thing I said was that I loved Dave Foss for the majority of my childhood...now it's in print...:)
Charlimaine---Wish I could hug you right now...taint right. Love you sissle.
BFIFM---The tramp stamp comment? Once again, Dan had to ask me what I was laughing about. You effin' kill me.
Annie Dunn--- How on earth did you find this blog? I loved seeing your name on here and am so grateful for the thoughts from you and your parents. Thanks for mentioning my mom's laugh and smile (I like being reminded), I know she thought the world of you.
Lor--- My soul sister; thanks, as always, for being you. What a note. What a beautiful note. You're coming to the next spaghetti suppa and once things settle a bit we're getting cocktails. Plan on it!
I want in on drinks with Lor...don't you dare do that without me!!! Lor is blood... and your post made me teary eyed...what else is new, I know, but it touched my soul.
I can vouch for the "I love Dave Foss" comments!
Laura, I'm thinking about you and the family all the time and hoping to see you all soon. I really can't believe this is happening, it's not fair and "what the fuck" is definitely appropriate!!
Lo, Beck...you two are on! Just set the time and place... ittttt's a date when everything catches it's breath. Love you sweet girls....
Well then consider me officially out of the closet!:)
You are too sweet Laura-
Hope you don't mind if I tell Dave, he'll get a kick out of it......plus it'll be a great ego booster. lol
XO Laura Foss
Just have to add another WTF... And a hug!
You are so lucky to have such strong sisters at your side through this... Lean on each other, I'm sure that's what your Mom would want!! xo
Nancy
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