Twenty things I taught my niece to say to her teacher on her first day of second grade (with apologies to my sister):
1. I know how to spell vodka!
2. Did you have fun doing nothing all summer?
3. My mom said you made her taxes go up.
4. I chose Cosmo for my summer reading.
5. Did you gain weight over the summer?
6. Do we get smoke breaks?
7. Did you know the number after two is threesome?
8. I fit in the trunk of my mom's car!
9. My favorite memory of the summer was my family's annual skinny-dip in the neighbor's pool.
10. My favorite memory of the summer is was when I went shopping with my mom in the middle of the night when nobody else was there.
11. My favorite memory of the summer was when my mom taught me how to shave.
12. Why aren't you married?
13. I thought it was hot this summer, but my step-dad kept telling my mom she was frigid.
14. I got my belly button pierced!
15. Are you drunk?
16. The gym teacher came to visit my mom this summer!
17. What's a hymen?
18. My favorite flower is cannabis sativa.
19. My mom hasn't gotten out of bed since Michael Jackson died.
20. Did you just take that kid's milk money?
***Dan's bonus entries***
21. I worked in a factory all summer making clothes!
22. If you give me more than 15 minutes of homework, I'm lawyering up.
23. I see dead people.
***Lola's cutting room floor entries***
24. My favorite memory of the summer was seeing the Dakota Fanning rape movie.
25. If you don't give me a "check plus" on my homework, I'm going to yell "inappropriate touch!"
26. I grew three inches this summer, but my step-dad told my mom he grew 10!
27. My grandpa says my fingers are the perfect size for cleaning out his guns.
No comments:
Post a Comment