It's 4:23am. I'm up. I slept on and off a bit between 11:45 and 1:15 (that is, I fell in and out of sleep while listening to an audio meditation guide...usually a sure thing when trying to get to sleep as the goal is, of course, to stay awake), but have been up straight since then. At 2:30, I got out of bed and cleaned the kitchen. Then I made a cup of green tea and sat on the couch googling flat irons. (WTF is with all the options?) I would have probably cleaned the entire apartment because I had that kind of energy, but I didn't want to wake Dan. I just yawned for the first time in hours.
I've been in an insomniac rough patch for a few weeks now. (Don't you want insomniatic to be a word? It's not.) I thought I was mostly over this business since making big changes last year in an attempt to improve my "sleep hygiene." I was giving my self downtime before bed, trying to hit the sack around the same time every night, rising the same way, but alas, my sleep is messed once more. My biggest struggle with insomnia is this: The less I sleep, the harder it is for me to ever sleep again. My brain gets all kinds of cracked out on no sleep such that I spend nights (and ultimately days) staring out with an aching head, a giant shot nerve of a human. That's where I am now. I could take something but I don't want the dependency or the hangover. (Last night I took an Ambien in an effort to possibly break this sleepless cycle and though I slept, it's not a real, restful slumber when drugs are involved---though it has its perks---and ultimately I felt like I had been up all night anyway.)
The shitty thing is this: Part of what kept me up is thinking about all the things I wanted to accomplish today and this will, no doubt, set me back on all that. Even if I don't crash, a fried brain does not make for good writing (as evidenced here).
Fuck.
The other shitty thing is this: Yesterday (Monday) my mom had a PET Scan so today we will find out the state of things in terms of her cancer; if the tumors have shrunk (not a shitty thing), stayed the same, grown, spread...disappeared. Obviously this is weighing as heavily as all my big plans. (Obviously, all my big plans are a front for this worry entirely.) At some point today---not sure when---my mom's oncology nurse will call with the results and a telephonic family tree will grow (though not in Brooklyn). (Telephonic is totally a word.) I wish I knew what time she was calling. What if I sleep through it? It could, of course, be good news. Between the chemo and the radiation---both of which put my mom on her ass---something had to have been affected. But, say it didn't shrink but it hasn't spread---do you assume it's the chemo holding the cancer back and open your vein to more poison? Say it did shrink but is still there---do you put yourself through hell again in the hopes that it shrinks more? So much hinges on this PET Scan, but in a way it just complicates everything and changes nothing (or complicates nothing but changes everything). If it grew, if it spread---what then? How much of your body can you give to faith in medicine? She did have an MRI the other day and it came back clean, meaning it has not spread to her brain; also a very, very not shitty thing (and a huge relief). Maybe I should just ride this latest good news into the day and curb the worrying. Maybe I should also fly a zebra that shits Skittles to the moon. I prayed yesterday---like actual, hands-folded fucking prayer---several times.
This is why one should not insomnia and blog. I may regret this post at 2pm when I remember writing it. (Maybe there will be news to share by then.) No, this is not nearly as cheerful a subject as slimy, unidentifiable Tub Monsters. (By the way, our tub is clogged---I WAS TOO LATE! I WAS TOO LATE!)
One last thing (and let me be clear that this is not a cry for help): I found this tonight while bouncing around and it made me laugh. Thought I'd share.
That is all. It's almost 5am. No fucking witty ending in sight.
7 comments:
Sending love, hope and lots of prayers for some good news today. I will be thinking of everyone of you today...
Love,
Beth the Anonymous xoxo
Good news would just be the best...for now I would settle for just not any worse, you know? But why not feel the hope...yes, good news would work. Thanks for the love, Beth!
That is one of your best pictures yet. It took me a while to figure out if it was you or not.
Go to sleep.
Hey Lola! Just want you to know I stayed up way past my bedtime Mon. night reading your blogs. I've read a few (one or two when you first announced it in '09(?) and then one or two when I was up in RI recently). It had kind of slipped my mind until I was reminded by your lovely sis. As with the last time, I laughed I cried.... you are an amazing writer and I admire your courage!! Hoping for best news for your mom. Love to the fam. Let me know anytime you want to talk food :) Martha
Danny---I gave it a second look after your comment and it does kind of look like me!
Martha---Thanks for reading and thanks for your kind words. Nothing better than someone staying up at part her bedtime to read my stuff; means it wasn't homework for you...Thanks for the love and support. I checked out your website too and it was awesome. The pictures of some of the landscapes were, of course, gorgeous but the sketches blew my mind. I can't believe your brain can see things like that and map it out just so. www.gardenenvironments.com (For anyone reading this.) And by the way, I've been eating pecans with honey and fruit and milk since you suggested it and you've brought a new breakfast into my life! I'm planning on doing some sort of cleanse soon so I'll keep you posted for our food club. :) Thanks again for reading, Martha!
It's the monkey mind at work (isn't that in Eat, Pray, Love? I think that's where I first heard about it). And your writing lead you to your answer about what was keeping you up. A brain full monkey, flinging poos of anxiety at your eyelids. I've been coming closer to praying lately, although I'm not sure where it's going, even from my perspective. More on that at some point, but most likely in a more private venue. And when I do send those spiritual vibes out into the universe, you and your family are among those on my list. Hope you got non-shitty news today.
VH---You know, I'm not sure if monkey mind is E,P,L. (My sister calls it Hampster Head.) I remember her brain/mind's dialogue during meditation but can't remember it for sure...though it sounds familiar now that I think about it. (If I wasn't so lazy, I would go and check...) And, yeah, when you have time (I know school is starting up again...yikes) I would like to hear what you've been thinking about on the whole prayer/spirituality front. I used to think I couldn't pray simply in time of need but it was E,P,L that taught me that God doesn't have to be seen as an oppressive parent type. (My mom used to teach me God was inside me and on my shoulder so I don't know where my view got so distorted.) Anyway, in light of everything, I've been looking into a lot of the biggies and it sounds like you might be too.
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