If you had told me this would be me on Christmas Day...

I would have asked, "Who slipped me the roofies?" This picture reminds me of the Sweeney Sisters from 80's SNL. (Oh and, yup, that's a newborn baby in my sister's arms.)

To my surprise, I have to say Christmas Day ended up being somehow great in its way. Tears were definitely shed (photo books were gifted), but I had just enough resolve to get through the day (and just enough wine to close the evening with a "We Didn't Start the Fire" duet with my brother-in-law on my niece's new karaoke system... epic). I had a good time with my family. The thing about a big family is that there's always chaos and in this situation the chaos served to cover the massive, aching hole of my mom for periods of time (however small) throughout the day. Then, of course, it would hit---the fact that she wasn't sitting at the kitchen table saying, "How great is this, I get to just have my coffee while everyone else does the cooking?" (which was a relatively new indulgence for her on the holidays) or on the floor playing a board game with one of her grandkids---and in those moments, I wanted to collapse. We all wanted to (and did at times). But, on the whole, we made it through with much laughter and had a day I know my mom would have just loved, though there was definitely an "offness" to things, as I think there always will be now.

For me, the days leading up to Christmas and those just after were harder. After all the worry, I made it through Christmas without her but...she's still dead. And I'm wondering how long it will go on, this being stunned every time I re-remember it. Now that the big to-do has passed, a new type of sadness has settled. I missed my mom calling to make sure Dan and I were safe during the blizzard. And I'll miss her wishing me a Happy New Year. I even miss the promise of actually having a happy new year. This year will be many things, I'm sure. Significant. Entirely different than any I've known. Maybe even marked by achievement. But though I know there will be moments of it, I am doubtful happiness will be the overarching theme.

Not exactly merry and bright here, now am I? Maybe after you read this blogpost you can go and watch Terms of Endearment and really conjure that holiday spirit. Our holiday weekend viewing included not only The Wrestler (not quite as wholesome as Rudy), but also A Winter's Bone. The latter is an excellent movie, but heavy as Santa's gut. (Really, Santa's gut? No better simile I can come up with there?) We currently have a copy of The Family Stone sitting on top of the TV but I'm not sure I'm that masochistic. I can handle some pretty dark stuff and am not the type to try to counteract sadness with a Will Ferrell marathon, but I'm worried that movie will have me washing down a bottle of Ambien with a funnel of wine. Not sure I can even go there.

The past few days have been all about movies and books and I'm so digging the calm this week is offering. I'm pretending I'm on vacation (I'll be out of the office through Sunday) and with the exception of some fun organizational projects, I'm totally indulging in some at-home R and R. (Also, some C and C...cookies and chocolate). For three days in a row I've taken baths that have lasted so long the water got cold...that's what I'm talking about. Dan and I did make a reservation for dinner on New Year's Eve and that will be the only event on the calendar for the rest of the week. Word.

Writing here is sort of against my vacation rules (limiting computer time is good for my mental health, I've found) but, I don't know, I kind of wanted to check in.

Plus, a line like "heavy as Santa's gut" is really pretty time-sensitive.

Happy New Year my Family Spew!