Friday, November 4, 2011

It was a Good Night, Mama.


My mom would be sooo pissed that I am posting this picture. But I LOVE it! And would do anything to have her hand on my face right now. So, if you want me to take it down, Ma, you better show yourself to me somehow and say so! Otherwise, it's staying! You hear me, Gigi!

A year ago today I spent the last day I ever would with my mom. Having been up since 3am that morning---we had tea and split an English muffin in the middle of the night; our final tea party---we talked about how we wanted to nap the day away together. She’d stay on her couch, which she barely moved from in those last days, and I would take the hospital bed, she said. But things happened---a few visitors came, I had to try two different pharmacies and fight construction traffic to pick up a refill of liquid morphine, and relatively unremarkable hours of the day passed us by. By then I had the morphine administering down. Its conversion from grams to ounces, its equivalent dose in Oxycontin. I would fill the dropper, sometimes twice, and if it was a good day, my mom would get relief. This was not her worst day. Had it been, there would have been no visitors---even daughters---welcome.

There was no reason to suspect it was the last day of her life. Except for maybe every reason. We all thought we had longer. We were waiting for the stuff of comas and catheters and while I'm so grateful it didn’t get to that, those were the markers we were waiting for. Because they never came, we were all shocked.

It’s still light out so I haven’t died yet today. When it gets dark lately, I die a little and cry on my couch and wish I could just be asleep and unfeeling. I downloaded Little Women to watch tonight--- the movie my mom, Cherie and I watched this night last year. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch it or if I even want to. I’ve never felt so unsure of what I want or how to be. Settled in this pain or afloat in distraction?

Outside myself. Away from me.

We ate Halloween candy. My mom’s appetite had returned and though she couldn’t walk, or sleep lying down, or breathe without oxygen flowing at its highest setting into her nostrils, we saw her appetite as a sign of improvement.

You see what you can.

I told her I loved her. See, I didn’t know but somewhere I knew.

I slept on the hospital bed that night. She stayed on her couch. Around 3am I woke up, startled and surprised that we hadn’t been up yet in the night together. I brought all my blankets with me to the couch and sat beside her and covered us both. She was alive. I made sure our skin touched. Our arms. The outside of our thighs. I rubbed her back and neck. I didn't know. Somewhere I knew.

The sun is already west. Our day together nearly gone.

My head on her shoulder, I held her hand. She was barely awake and I suppose barely alive, but we held hands.

We took our nap together then.

16 comments:

Sassy said...

I am holding you girls in my heart tonight. Much Love-Stephanie

Lola Mellowsky said...

Love back atcha, Sassy! I heard you made a special delivery at the Breslin Inn and am just so moved. (What's this I hear about homemade marshmallows---are you effin' kidding me?) And gorgeous flowers from the Windham ladies too? You are amazing! Thank you for such incredible thoughtfulness and kindness. I know Bec is so grateful for you and I am too!

Anonymous said...

Your words are just amazing...I am sure she is with you every moment, even now.
Glad to hear you got the flowers! We wish we could be there with all of you...laughing, crying, eating, drinking and remembering.

Lots of love to all of you.
BFYFM
xo

Shelley Mind Body said...

I have you all in my heart and praying.....

Joyce said...

I remember like it was yesterday Laura, my heart goes out to you and your sisters, she was such a wonderful person, so loved by so many, she is missed everyday, her smile, talking to her, her wisdom, Oh if we could only have her for just a little while longer. God my she be resting in peace!

Lola Mellowsky said...

Janet---Bec told me about the flowers on the phone because she was just so touched by your thoughtfulness that she could barely breathe about it. And so am I! Thank you so much for being so good to us and for being on this journey with us since the start! (P.S. Did you realize I just called you Janet?)

Shel and Mrs. Coops---Love you both. Thanks for being good to my mama all those years. You know she loved your guts.

jeavallone said...

Oh Laura, what a truly beautiful moment in time with your Gigi. It will stay with you always. Thank you for sharing it.

flaterfam said...

Sending you a miles of smiles and lots of love Laura! Your Mom was one of a kind. I can hear her laugh and see her smile that would light up any room. XO

ellieb said...

Thank you for the gift of sharing this story...your Mama was so loved, especially by her amazing daughters. I know tonight, above all other nights, is going to be overwhelming. Each of you are in my heart.
Ironically, I am sitting in the same hotel, working the same convention, on the same weekend as last year...and tomorrow, well-you know. I love you Laur..and I am hugging you from afar, sending you strength. She is with you.

Nancy said...

Lola, beautifully written as always... I'm sure your Mama is with you, proud of you for continuing to write, making it through this very long year... Thinking about all of you today and sending hugs your way. How lucky to have sisters for love and support...
And, of course, flowers for you guys and your mama, one of the things we've all heard about is Gigi's gardens and her flowers... xoxo

Talk2mrsh said...

I remember you writing about Gigi saying you would see her in a rose blooming in snow. Thought of that this past weekend when it snowed on all that was still growing and blooming. You are right, Lola, we see what we can. Love you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Lola,
Thinking of you today. Same day last year still clear in my memory too - a very sad time. It's clear why you love this photo so much. The experssion of immeasruable love between you two speaks volumes. Thanks for sharing with us - your beautiful writing and most sacred moments with your mama Gigi.
All my love,
Mart

Anonymous said...

Hi to all of you Mellow girls and your sweet papa. I have been thinking of you all so much these last few days, remembering events of a year ago.
I was just "organizing" my yarn stash and I came across the sweater that I cast on for her last year on Nov 4th- there it sits. No heart to do anything w that yarn- the name of it is "smile"- and that makes me smile though!
Lots of love, and you are all in my heart today and always!
Love, Anna

Laura Foss said...

Thinking about you and your family Laura!! Can't even imagine how much you must miss her every single day.... as blessed as you were to have her is as blessed as she was to have you and your sisters as daughters.
Keep living her legacy, celebrate her,
time will do some healing.
XO

Anonymous said...

I love this picture through thick tears. I think mom would love this entry and be cool with the picture.

Kyle Bastien said...

It just got a little dusty in here. Laura, I haven't seen you in 10 years, but feel like I just saw you now. Thank you for this. I miss you. You drew this moment through a key hole.