All I want for Bic-mas...

Dear Mr. Bic,

I’m not writing to tell you that a pen exploded all over my white leather couch and it’s all your fault. I’m not writing to say that I’ve stopped kissing my husband because your razors aren’t giving him a close enough shave. I am writing to say congratulations! Congratulations for taking advantage of the fabulous opportunity I’m about to present to you.

I am a 28-year-old writer on the brink of big success. Since I wrote my first story about a pair of hunkalicious twins in my second grade class, I’ve known that writing---a fabulous writing career---was to be my future. I have no doubt that within the next few years I’ll be as well-known as authors Stephen King, J.K. Rowling and even Mackenzie Phillips. There will surely be a shadow of paparazzi trailing my every move, taking pictures of me enjoying the glamorous and riveting life to which a writing life lends itself. (Here she is at another coffee shopping working…)

This, Mr. Bic, is where you come in. I would like to give you the opportunity to become my sponsor before Cross and Uniball get a chance to steal me away as this wave of success comes for me and carries me to the top. This is a ground floor opportunity, Mr. Bic.

In exchange for your sponsorship, I would sign a contract stating that not only would I write solely in Bic pen but also that every Bic-book (I smell an Oprah-like book club) will be a best-seller. I would be photographed using only Bic pens. I would be willing to wear Bic spandex biker shorts and would perform all in-the-mirror karaoke while singing into a Bic pen. I would also promise to make various pen-puns regarding your product including, “These pens are fantast-bic!” or “Life’s a Bic, why not write about it?”

As my sponsor, your responsibilities would be minimal (though I would need you to provide the spandex). Your main obligation would involve sending me to a writing conference in Guatemala this February. (It’s well-know that most international trends have their origins in Guatemalan culture so the extra advertising down there would no doubt reap lucrative benefits.) “Write by the Lake: Joyce Maynard’s Lake Atitlan Writing Workshop” is a week-long writing program hosted by best-selling author Joyce Maynard at her home in Guatemala. The workshop, which will also feature the teachings of various other acclaimed authors, would enhance and hone my skills which, as my sponsor, I think would be of great importance to you. I am confident that I would come out of this experience a better writer. However, tuition and housing will cost close to $2500 and this in addition to the airfare from my residence in New Hampshire to Guatemala is unfortunately out of my fiscal reach. As a potential sponsor, I see this as an investment opportunity for you (and a dream come true for me).

In conclusion, I can only say: pretty please. The application deadline for the program is December 15th so time is unfortunately of the essence, Mr. Bic. I appreciate your time here and am hopeful that this letter will fall into the hands of someone who once had, or is still clinging to a dream.

Most Sincerely,
Laura Mellow

P.S. It’s Christmas time...