We're artists, seriously.

This first, clean version was suitable for posting on my friend Mattie's public Fox Providence blog as part of his audition process for a Rhode Island-based talkshow.

Though Mattie and I have been friends since the days of school dances and middle parts (which we both sported but I kept for far too long), he has lived in California for the last four years so our visits with each other are infrequent (which is why we have 2 1/2 hour phone conversations). When we are able to get together, we do things like videotape (does anyone really 'videotape' anymore?) ourselves trying to do double cartwheels. Isn't that what most old friends do upon reuniting?

Following the posting of the previous video, Matt received (and posted) this:

From the Law Office of Mellowsky and Mellowsky

Dear Matthew Rodrigues,

On behalf of my client, Laura Mellow, I am writing to inform you of charges being brought against you as a result of damages incurred on 9 November 2009. Having viewed people’s evidence #471, video footage posted at web address http://blogs.foxprovidence.com/author/matthewrodrigues/, our office feels confident in our ability to prove that Ms. Mellow’s injuries---both physical and emotional---are a result of criminal neglect and malfeasance. The defense is certain the events depicted in the aforementioned video were deviously orchestrated for the purpose of sensationalism and as a result of Mr. Rodrigues’ ruthless ambition to become The Rhode Show co-host.

The charges against you include the following allegations:

Roofies were involved.

You dropped her.

On purpose.

It hurt.

As Ms. Mellow was only 17, thus a minor at the time of taping, said footage was illegally released.

Ms. Mellow suffered great physical trauma as a result of a serious injury which consulting doctors medically termed a “boo-boo.”

Ms. Mellow suffered SEVERE emotional damage as a result of 10 pounds (in legal terms, this is referred to as a ‘giant hiney’) that the camera put on and of which she states she was not adequately warned. We find this point to be indisputable as a recording which the defense has obtained has Mr. Rodrigues stating that “it’s just the way you’re standing…” (We’re hoping this will be a precedent-setting case to be known as: You couldn’t help a sister out? v. Ex-friend.)

Ms. Mellow would also like the record to show that she adamantly denies being a “tucker” but was filmed with shirt tucked into pants in an effort to prevent yet another Girls Gone Wild situation. She will be seeking $50 million in damages or the acquisition of the following:

1. Mr. Rodrigues’ Britney Spears concert t-shirt

2. The defendant’s mother’s chourico and peppers

3. The junk in Mr. Rodrigues’ trunk

4. A honey bear filled with multi-colored sand

5. A year’s worth of Brick Alley Pub buffalo shrimp pasta

6. A year’s worth of Pepto Bismol

7. Mr. Rodrigues’ favorite kidney

8. A foot massage every Thursday

9. Should Mr. Rodrigues get the job, the show will be renamed The Mellow Rhode Show.

10. Mr. Rodrigues will also be made to stand in front of famed grocery store Clements’ Market dressed as a turkey with a sign which reads: “I dropped Laura Mellow and I am so, so, so wicked sorry.”

We are hoping that you agree to our terms and think you will agree that, given the extent of the injuries, Ms. Mellow is going light on Mr. Rodrigues as a result of their years of acquaintanceship. Heretofore, such abuses of this friendship have been overlooked but further droppings will not be tolerated.

We are certain that this matter can be handled with expedience and class as long as you do everything we say.

Thank you for your time.

Most Sincerely, Cordially and Wicked Lawerly,

Lola Mellowsky, esquire

Matt didn't get the job (because the show was content with safety and mediocrity rather than risk and real talent) so he made this video:

Their loss.