No light at the end of the tunnel

Thanks for nothing.

This is how this post was supposed to start:

A cozy winter’s night: Here I sit at my writing table with a mug of green tea, a small honey bear squeeze of sweetness to it. Tina Turner’s greatest hits plays, her strong and gravelly voice pumping soulful energy into the room and I am writing by the light of my Zadro Sunlight 365, a contraption which promises 10,000 LUX of “Artificial Sunlight 365 Days a Year."

Then I was going to go into how I taped the iPod-sized gadget to the wall and how it is casting its blue glow down on me as I write and how it all feels very X-Files-y.

Instead it will start like this:

Little mother fucker didn’t work.

It turned on for a second and then nothing. Temper-fucking-tantrum-time. (Hey, I'm not using this thing 'cuz I'm such a stable person.) My frustration morphed into rage so quickly that I actually punched the dainty little four-inch piece of crap. I’ve also been known to throw an occasional punch at my laptop screen when it’s running so slowly that I could walk to the fucking library and take out 10 books on the subject I’m trying to Google before the goddamned page loads. I’m not proud of the fact that I fist fight with technology but until I hear of a support group for such a problem (You hear me, Oprah?), I’m going to declare myself the founder of a new trendy version of rage display…like Fight Club or wife beating.

I shouldn’t be making a joke like that…the fact that my Zadro failed me is really no laughing matter. (Doesn’t Zadro sound like that Genie from Big or the name of a Harry Potter themed vibrator---Would it be shaped like a broom or a wand?)

I’ve toyed with the idea of getting one of these therapeutic light boxes (resisting huge urge to make box joke) for a while. Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks my ass around this time every year. SAD is far too irritating and cutesy to describe its mass of cranky, dry-knuckled sufferers. I’d much prefer ASS---Another Snow, Sucka! (Runners up for that joke included DICK Dreary Ice Cicle (weather) Kills and FUCK Frozen Us Can’t Kope but they both felt like a stretch.)

So, SAD---it’s real. I should be spending these months in a cave somewhere. I don’t necessarily get depressed and, in fact, am not depressed right now, but it zaps me of energy such that 7pm starts seeming like a reasonable bedtime. (Battling fatigue is a war I’ve been waging for a couple of years now. I’ll devote another entry to how I arrived at my no-gluten lifestyle as a result of this after blaming everything from birth control-induced menopause to poor “sleep hygiene”---which means bad sleeping habits, not that my pillow is a lice hotel. I also had a secret theory that it was lymphoma but Dan just laughed at that.)

The cold weather doesn’t make me that grouchy (though when I came in last night I did say to Dan, “It’s so cold out, I could cut a bitch”) but the lack of sun and daylight hours shuts me down. I once heard someone refer to it as her “winter slip” which sounds like someone’s annual tradition of sleeping with a co-worker after the company Christmas party.

So, on Monday night when I got home at 5:30 and wanted to drop my coat and immediately crawl into bed, I knew I had to do something. I spent a couple of hours playing on the computer, staring out blankly into the nothingness and researching light boxes (still resisting…). Putting a sun in my living room is pricey---at least $200 for a good one—which is a high price to pay since I’m not sure if it will work. (Plus, I’m considering investing in a dawn simulator. It’s an alarm clock/light unit that’s set up so that a bright light turns on gradually---starting at 5am if you want to wake up at 6am, for instance---so that you’re waking up naturally to a simulated sunrise. People have noted mood improvements and less fatigue as a result of waking up “naturally” like this. Makes sense, right?) So, I opted for the $40 Zadro because most of the reviews said that it was just as effective as the larger units and I thought it was a good place to start. I even chose two-day delivery---that’s the kind of desperate I’m talking. I’ve been tracking the package since it left the warehouse yesterday and I ran outside coatless to grab the box after the UPS guy dropped it late this afternoon.

Then I broke out the laptop, made my tea, turned on some Tina and was ready to get a good hour of artificial light. I plugged it in---nearly blinded myself despite all the warnings to not look directly at it while turning it on---and now we’re back to the beginning, aren’t we?

Little mother fucker didn’t work.

I’m not sure if I’m going to exchange it, go for a better one, or even buy the dawn simulator instead. (The struggle there is Dan; he might enjoy the sun rising precisely when it does.) Still, it’s a bummer. I had high hopes for the Zadro.

One gushing woman even said it helped her so much that she nicknamed it the “magic box”---which, coincidentally, was my nickname in high school. (Fresh out of restraint.)

P.S. Dan’s trying to bring “that was my nickname in high school” back to “that’s what she said” popularity. I’m doing my part.

A little friendly, er, family competition

Bro-in-law Pete; that's just how he points to stuff.

A typical day in the cyber-life of my family

From: Dan
To: My sisters (T, B, K, and C) and Cherie’s husband, Pete

Hello Fat Asses,

Another year is here and it is time to once again start sweating to the oldies. That’s right – it’s time for Biggest Loser 2010!

So, let us know if you are in or out. We would have it start on Sunday, January 10th through Friday, February 12th. We figured we’d give everyone a week to get into the right mental place.

Cost will be $20. Winner takes all. Winner will be the person with the most number of workouts. Because we are divided here in the Mellederer homestead, we need to put what constitutes a workout to a vote. Should a workout be 45 minutes with a maximum of two per day or 30 minutes with a maximum of 3 per day? Even if you are not participating, your opinion on this will be counted.

For now, just let us know if you want to play. Bathing suit season is only a few months away.

Looking forward to your sweat.
-Dan
BL Champ, 2008, 2009

From: Katie (the diplomatic middle child)

I think 30 minute sessions should count since one can still get a workout in but may not feel as overwhelmed if they cannot find time with the 45 minute session. Also I forget, does yoga count or not? Just wonderin'...

From: Pete

Can I do 7 minute abs 4 times or do I have to add on the last 2 minutes?

From: Becky

I concur with Katie that 30 minute sessions should count (vs. 45) and they have to be 30 consecutive minutes, Pete...sorry!

Yoga definitely does count. That shit is hard...when you have no muscles in your legs like my current state...those positions are impossible to hold.

From: Tara

The way you signed your post---Dan: BL Champ--- makes me freakin ready to smoke you...I have Mitch Gaylord's medicine ball and DVDs and am ready!! 30 minutes is better than jack..so that is my vote.

From: Cherie

Well, seeing as though my downward spiral tonight consisted of: a stuffed quahog, followed by a wedge salad (lots of bacon), French onion soup (extra cheese) and just finished off with peanut butter cup ice cream------>>> I'M IN!!!!! I gotta get this shit in check or none of my turtlenecks are gonna fit me!!!!!! HELP!!! 30 min is good for me seeing as it is less overwhelming than a whopping 45!!!

*Please note that I also had Bananas Foster today for lunch!! Is there a help group for this type of fattery????!!!!

From: Lola

Katjak--you in? (Dan thinks Savvy should be in on it, too...kidding, keep those thighs growing!)

Cherie---I won't be able to go to the bathroom as a result of just reading your note...

In it to win it...

From: Katie (also the sibling who is the mother of a six-month-old baby)

I would sooo love to join in this Biggest Loser madness. There was actually a point there today that I thought I could pull it off and then here I am at the end of the day, just put Savannah down for bed, and I am tired as all hell sitting in a house full of unpacked bags and a sink filled with dishes. You couldn't pay me $500 right now to work out. I do go for power walks almost daily with Savannah in the Ergo, but on days like today, where the highs are in the 20's (yes, Memphis gets that cold in the winter, fucking frigid-ass wasteland), we can only stay out for so long before her little chunky cheeks turn cold and red and I feel like I am pulling a Britney with frostbite...

With that being said, have at it guys and good luck!! Please include me in on the banter as each and every one of you make me piss my pants!

Love ya and Happy BL 2010!

From: Pete

I'm in. Even though I'll just end up giving the cash to Dan for Nordic Trac parts. Yes Dan let's start the tenth. That will give me some time to get back under the horse. Katie I'm hating winter wasteland too. It snowed all weekend and I barely left the house. SAD is kicking my ass.

From: Tara

Phatfux: Charlene's turtleneck story, love it! SAD is real..and so is Katie's disclaimer. Sledding will be a workout and facebook may be skipped...

From: Lola

Katjak---Just remember to take some you time for a bath or The Real World from time to time...

T&P--- SAD is my mortal enemy. I'm planning on investing in one of those therapeutic light boxes---will let you know the outcome.

T---Sledding, I love it!

Jan. 10---Secretary DL will send an announcement.

From: Dan

Workout is 30 Minutes - Maximum three per day
Contest Begins January 10th and ends on February 12th
Cost is $20 per person - winner takes all. In the event of a tie - pot is split

IN:
Dan
Lola
Tara
Becky
Cherie
Pete

Out:
Katie
Jeff? (Bec's husband)
Savannah

Report on Facebook

From: Pete

I'd like to report stage 4 chub rub.

From: Becky

I'd like to report that my pants are too short for my heels today because my thighs are so big that my pants are riding up on said thighs!! Wtf...day 4 of perfect eating...here i come!

From: Becky

I did it! For the first time in months...I did an hour long yoga tape. If we are all in agreement that yoga counts, then I get two checks! The cutest part was that Molly did the whole thing with me. I had a yoga mat for her and she took her part seriously...although, she was falling during warrior and triangle pose (is that the name??) and trying to grab me for support. Punk! Anyway, we did it and there is more where that came from, I'm happy to report. I'm so in it to win it!

From: Pete

I played pond hockey for two checks. And also to score goals on little kids and rub it in their face.

From: Lola

I got one check this morning (though I did 32 minutes so my official report is one check and six percent of a second one).

Also, I’m putting some of this banter on the blog. Anyone object? (If you do, I foresee big problems for my writing career.) I wonder if this will ruin the natural flow or up everyone’s game. I just wanted to share the pleasure that these e-mails give me but I don’t want to give you stage fright. I feel like I understand the dilemma of reality stars now...I don’t want this to change you. (You know I have millions of readers so don’t be surprised if you start getting recognized...)

P.S. I’ll remove any questionable material (swearing is obviously fine and encouraged) and will correct as many spelling issues as I can.

Our leader.

My other 28 New Year's resolutions

I'm trying to get some sort of book list on here but I've yet to figure out the technology. Until then, there will be this post. (You can click on the picture to enlarge it if you are unable to make out any of the titles or authors.)

It is the great frustration of my life that I am the world’s slowest reader and will meet my demise without getting through all the books I want to. (Well, my greatest frustration other than not having the singing voice of a large black woman as I have always dreamed; if I could Spew like that, instead of alone at a computer screen, I would never be depressed again.)

The stack pictured above is my 2010 to-do (if ADD doesn’t thwart me) list.

These too:

Lit: A Memoir by Mary Karr
Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper by Diablo Cody
EnLightened: How I Lost 40 Pounds with a Yoga Mat, Fresh Pineapples and a Beagle Pointer by Jessica Berger Gross
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle: A Year of Food Life by Barbara Kingsolver
Undiscovered by Debra Winger
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
Too Fat to Fish by Artie Lange
Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, Second Edition by Hope Edelman

(I would also like to finish all my Oprah Magazines dating back to this past March and do a crossword puzzle once in a while.)

What this list doesn’t include?

A) The books I can’t remember right now.
B) The new books I will get all spazzy about and want to read (buy) right away.
C) A 500-pager I've just started and with which I'm having commitment issues.

Getting through all of these by 2011 will be a challenge (the best kind of challenge one could have), though this is no reflection of my feelings about the books. My brain is a lot like a rabid dog, all convoluted and foamy and doing circles. Often, when I sit down to relax with a good book, my mind will have me read the same sentence over and over again while another part of it diverts to a different stream of thought brought on by the mere mention of some random word like "lentil" or "Chatanooga." Ten minutes will pass of me just staring at the page and then I'll come to and realize I have no idea what I just read. Then I start to read again and do the same thing for another 10 minutes. I’ve lost hours to this. (Really.)

Or, if my brain sees that I'm enjoying myself and not ruminating for even a minute, it decides to fall on its side and go to sleep. I could be reading All the Juicy Secrets: The Answers To the Mysteries in Lola Mellowsky's Head and if my brain wants to meander or rest, off it goes.

Still, I'm so excited for all these books that I think my brain is going to back me up. If you know of any great books I need to add to the list, let me know. Also, if you plan on, end up, or presently are reading any of these books, let me know. We could discuss. I'll tell you all about this one sentence that moved me so.

I resolved not to write about resolutions and here I go anyway.

This is where our bedroom TV once sat. No more TV in bed---a bad habit which was both born from and further perpetuates insomnia.

Dan put this picture up in its place.

New Year’s resolutions are annoying. It’s not even the concept that irritates me---I get it; a new year, a convenient time for a change---it’s the changes people pick. It’s the five pounds here and the quitting smoking there. It’s the stuff of spending less and writing thank you cards more promptly (she said as her Christmas cards sat unwritten in a bag) that so aggravates me. Those New Year’s resolutions suck. Sorry if they’re yours, they still suck. These are the resolutions that give resolutions a bad wrap. Nobody can stick to these; they’re too...sucky. My new theory is that people need to make more enjoyable resolutions; promises that a person might, I don’t know, want to keep.

What if instead of vowing to do things you don’t want to do, you opt to pick things you actually like? How about instead of deciding not to eat so much sugar, you choose to get more sleep? What if instead of saying that you’re going to stop getting so stressed out, you offer yourself more baths throughout the year? Ya dig? We all have things we like to do that we don’t do enough of; taking time off, napping on the weekends, knitting, walking. Make those promises to yourself. Not to sound all L’Oreal, but you’re worth it. (Note: I like walking. I don’t care for exercise. Trick yourself if you need to.)

I just feel like all the other shit you have to do---losing weight, quitting drinking, cutting back on the meth---all falls under the umbrella of getting healthy. In most cases, New Year’s resolutions deal with health on some level, be it mental, emotional, financial or physical. In my experience (which involves having been unhealthy in all those areas), approaching those goals with rigidity and sternness is not a good long-term plan. (Even financial health. Dan and I never fight more than when we’re completely abstaining from any “non-necessity” spending. This past year we paid down over $16,000 in debt and also took a four-week trip to London. We are richer people for having taken that trip and that’s a lot of debt to be rid of.) I understand the inclination to set strict guidelines---it seems like a good plan---but it lends itself to that massive sense of failure or loss of self-esteem when you inevitably blow it. How many times have you fallen off a diet and then gone on a food bender because you feel, hell, I already failed, I might as well keep eating? It’s just not a good long-term strategy. Goals like spending less or losing oppressive weight are important, of course, but making it a “resolution” stakes the whole year’s success on it and that’s risky. (To me, goals are different than resolutions. Life-enhancing resolutions will help you to meet your goals.)

Resolve to treat yourself better. Take an hour to listen to a favorite CD once in a while or buy a new one and fold the laundry while listening to it. Get a magazine and give yourself a half hour to read it at a cute coffee shop or buy a pair of soft socks. Even those of you who say you don’t have any extra time can find a half hour a month (a week?) for yourselves. Feeling good promotes feeling better. I know I’m getting all Oprah on your ass, but this is how I’m going into this year and I’ve never felt more excited and optimistic. (Cut to February when I’m sticking my head in the refrigerator just for the extra light.)

If you’re going to approach anything with discipline in the new year, make it being nicer to yourself. As someone once told me, children don’t thrive in cruel environments and neither do you---be good to yourself.

That said, my New Year’s resolutions are:

Cook more---because I like cooking and miss doing it. The fact that it will lend itself to becoming a better cook, eating healthier and having more sit-down dinners with Dan; icing on the gluten-free cake.

Read more--- because I love reading and I’m tired of feeling like it’s a guilty pleasure. Payoffs include BOOKS, learning, falling asleep earlier and probably becoming a better writer. (This is why we moved the TV. It was more about giving than taking, see?) One could argue that I might consider reading to be part of my job, but that feels like rationalization and I shouldn’t have to rationalize reading. (Plus, I need to save all my rationalizing for my next resolution.)

Meditate more---Despite the fact that my brain knows that even five minutes of closed-eyes silence could benefit me immeasurably, it is easy for me to cast this one to the bottom of the list due to busyness. It’s a tricky one as sometimes it feels as tedious as exercise (trying to avoid tedium, remember?) but it also could be a midday gift. I truly believe cultivating this skill will be a key to my eternal happiness. You know what’s not? Sending thank-you cards no more than a week after I receive a gift.

You see why I’m excited for 2010? A year of cooking more, reading more, meditating more---that’s something to look forward to! It’s actually getting me pumped for the whole decade. Would vowing to put the laundry away immediately after folding it do that? I think not.

So, enough with your sucky resolutions. Stop being a hater and make a promise to yourself that you want to keep. Do something you enjoy! (Unless, of course, what you enjoy is sending late thank you cards while doing meth and binge eating...at least cut back on all that.)

Can we pretend I posted this entry yesterday?

Like myself, my computer caught a bug over the holidays. Dan spent a day trying to fix it and this is how he left it. I was still unable to access Blogger so, despite writing this yesterday, I was unable post it and went to bed all tantrum-y. He fixed it last night (post-tantrum) and I decided to put it up today anyway. (I'm adding "be adaptable" to my list of New Year's resolutions. I think this resolving to do things after you've done them is a pretty good technique when looking for high success rates for your NYRs.)

Setting: January 4, 2010 A back-to-work vim pulsates through the Spoffice air

Let's be honest, today---the first Monday of 2010---is the real start of the year. Nobody's starting any healthy habits or making positive changes on a Friday, New Year's Day or not. Any "bad" behavior you engaged in over the weekend---chain-smoking, eating a bag of marshmallows, beating your kids---is okay; as long as you start fresh today. If you mess up today though, you're fucked for the whole decade as far as I'm concerned. (Author's Note: Thus, last night's tantrum.)

It was this logic that got me up and exercising at 6am and showered, dressed and writing by 7:30. Of all of that, it's the getting dressed part I'm most proud of. Visit me at 12:30pm on a Tuesday and chances are I'll be at my desk in my jammies. I know getting dressed every day isn't the loftiest of New Year's resolutions, but it's a start.

I actually have quite a few resolutions for the year; for the entire '10s, in fact. (TBA; I'm narrowing...) And, yeah, saying "the '10s" feels as awkward as I thought it would. I truly have monster plans for the next ten years---articles, books, a snuff screenplay--- and if I want to stick to my plan of owning Oprah (or at least Gayle) by the decade's end, I have to get to work.

So the weekend was spent trying to get my life in complete order. (And also watching the third season of Dexter which was killer (ha!)and the first season of United States of Tara which is a de-fucking-lightful show and sort of makes me wish I had Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly known as MPD). Do you watch? Who's your favorite "alter"? Mine's Buck. After finishing the first season of Nurse Jackie a while back during a bender at my sister's house I was left depressed and grieving its end. Tara showed me I can love again...I will have to devote a whole entry to the show's creator Diablo Cody---who also wrote the screenplay for Juno--- and how I want to be her.)

It really was a productive weekend of new decade preparation and I've got the pictures to prove it.



Initial tidying.



The starting point: I wanted to begin the year with a clean desk. If you look closely, you can see Texas themed temporary tattoos on the left foreground of the desk...the secret of any good writing. (Thank you, Jarvino.)



"A book to write a desk on...I mean a besk to write a dook on..."-LM, while admiring her work.



My favorite part. Nobody would love this more than my seven-year-old niece who recently asked me, "Lola, what's OCD?" in response, apparently, to my common use of the term to describe her penchant for lining things up.



Present day: I had to make room in the closet for the stuff from my desk.




Tote-al heaven. Does anyone else get a hard-on for office supplies? Forget flowers and oysters; Dan need only come home with manila folders, metal mail sorters and plastic filing units for me to want to jump his bones. (This is how I plan to clean up the mess on the bed...that's what she said.)

So, though the job remains unfinished and my totes seem empty, they are filled with the promise of an ordered and productive 2010.

Literally:


The Bookish

I'll keep you posted on any progress...pun very much intended.

In Memoriam 2009