Stress ball this!

My brain is frozen. This happens.

Dan and I liken it to what happens to a computer when too many programs are running. I lock up. Nothing works. Not even restarting.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my sister in which she asked me if I was interested in attending my niece's gymnastics recital. The day before I had spoken the words, "I wish I could see Molly's gymnastics recital," but when faced with the question, I froze, leaving my sister to think that I really did not want to go as evidenced by my silence. I had to explain to her that in that 30 second pause, my brain spat out 20 different thoughts causing a traffic jam of sorts which had nothing to do with the one question she had asked. I don't think she believed me but I ended up attending the recital anyway.

That is how I feel today. I have too much to do and so, I am doing nothing. I do bits of things. Pieces of others. But no task to fruition. No job to completeness. It is beyond frustrating.

I had hoped to write something on this blog today that had more to do with specific events and thoughts---ie., real writing---but I just cannot get out of my own way in order to stick to one thought long enough to expand upon it.

I am a head of misplaced pieces from different puzzles. Pieces from puzzles of conflict or questions---some practical, some long-term, some emotional, some cerebral---all hoping to find a place of sense and order.

I'm trying to sort it all out, to map it as items on a to-do list but it can't take that form yet. That would at least be productive, but that would also be asking too much.

I think I have to buy a new car. I need a new catalytic converter (so the conversion of my catalytic continues as normal, I assume) and since the job was estimated to cost around $2000 for my 1999 Subaru Outback (and 25 dealerships in NH closed recently) it only makes sense to be in the car market. Except, I don't want to buy a new car. We're still paying for Dan's car (mine, for all its headaches is, at least, completely mine) and I don't want to have two car payments.

Plus, I'm pretty sure Suze Orman would reject us on the "Can you afford it?" segment of her show.

I've been avoiding Suze for a while now---ever since we decided to go to London for four weeks this summer. This trip is less than a month away and other than buying the plane tickets and securing a place to stay, I have done no planning. I should probably do that.

But we're still not where we want to be in our saving-for-London piggy bank and this stresses me out. We should be able to get there before we go, but we might not. And shouldn't I be using this savings for a down payment for a car anyway? Or do I pay off a credit card first? Or do I just let it all go for the next two months and just enjoy the London trip because who the hell gets to go London for four weeks and why can't I just enjoy the excitement of it rather than getting all bogged down by worry?

I'm hungry.

I was supposed to make chili for a week of cheap eating and I didn't do it. I also haven't exercised yet or showered and I have to leave in two hours to get Molly off the bus.

I'm going to have a new niece any day now. My sister, Katie, is due on June 23 and I'm supposed to try to hop a quick plane to Memphis to be there for the delivery or at least shortly thereafter. It's hard to plan a trip around a baby's arrival. (Babies are very inconsiderate that way.) Plus, how can I afford a trip to Memphis when we haven't met our goal for London and my catalytic converter has shit the bed and I didn't even make the chili. How?

I wonder what I'll have for lunch. Leftover tofu stir-fry?

Molly finishes first grade this week. Then I watch her at least a few full days a week until we leave. Did I mention I'm supposed to be planning a last-minute trip to Memphis? I also have a party on Saturday to attend and then a there-and-back trip to RI on Sunday to celebrate Father's day. (We should drive Dan's car, I think.) I have Molly four days next week and then we have a wedding down in Connecticut over the weekend. Are we staying in Connecticut overnight? Memphis? Chili? Tofu?

Who will water my plants while I'm gone? I recently moved a potted plant outside (a Lantana which Dan refers to as "Joe Lantana") and he doesn't seem to be fairing well in the wind and rain. Poor Joe.

I'm looking at a stack of bills that need sorting. They're paid, the paperwork just needs organizing. I hope the internet works the same in London as that's how we're planning to pay our bills for the month. I should probably check on that. My cell phone---I should probably check on that, too. I wonder how we'll get to the airport. Maybe whoever takes me to the airport (sister Becky?) can water my plants.

Mmm, the chili I haven't made yet sounds good. The tofu stir-fry sitting in my refrigerator, however, does not.

It's sunny out. Maybe Joe will perk up. I should go for a walk in the sun. But the bills still need sorting and the thoughts still need writing and the chili still needs making and the catalytic still need converting and the questions still need asking and the to-do items still need listing and the body still needs bathing and the belly still needs eating.

But the face needs sun.

Dan drives a convertible.

His catalytic converter is a real winner.

Eureka!