A coffee whatema?

Back on the wagon in a big way, people. This, after falling off in an even bigger way. The junk food bender of last Thursday went right through the weekend and involved massive quantities of Chinese takeout and a pint of Ben and Jerry's. (Go out now and buy Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream. You can thank me later.) Rock bottom ended up being lunch on Saturday at one of those steakhouse chain restaurants. (I really can't remember the name but you know the type; peanut shells on the ground, massive cuts of raw beef in the window, obese children everywhere.) Upon sitting, the meal started with fresh out-of-the-oven buns which were not so much buns as they were fluffy squares of white bread cakes; picture the Pillsbury Dough Boy with no arms or legs. These were topped with warm melted butter and then served with cinnamon butter in case you wanted a little butter with your butter...which I did. A couple of those in addition to some fried jalapeno poppers, a cup of chili and a strawberry margarita that was so big it required a two-hand hold and my body just hurt.

The drive home consisted of me clutching my belly (I wouldn't unzip my pants because I want to remember the pain next time I think that I can handle just one cupcake) and saying to Dan, "You have to make me stop. Seriously. It has to end now."

And it did (after we finished off the Chinese food that night). I've been clean for two days now. Where's my sobriety coin?

I'm actually considering doing some sort of cleanse as a result of all this and as a healthy spring kickoff. (Yup, going the route of the self-righteous newly reformed addict.) I meant to do it the start of the year but the timing seems more appropriate now. Fruits and veggies are fresh and local, it's nice enough out to not feel defeated by muck and mud everywhere and I'm no longer wishing to be be swaddled in a spaghetti blanket at 4pm every day. It's time.

I'm not sure which cleanse I'll follow yet but I'm seeing some alfalfa sprout smoothies in my future.

Also, I think I'll try a coffee enema.

It's a real thing.

I wasn't actually considering it until I ran the idea by Dan after we watched a documentary which discussed these enemas as part of some alternative cancer treatment (no, I'm not making my mom do it) and, to my utter shock, he didn't seem completely opposed. That said, I'm not sure he heard me correctly.

We've been looking for a new hobby...If nothing else, I'm sure it would build intimacy. Though we'd probably need a little something to ease us into it.

Perhaps a strawberry margarita or seven.

Taken orally, of course.