Photo courtesy of Danny Boy. (Impressive, right?)A winter’s evening in New Hampshire. A redhead who doesn’t look a day over 20 sits in her apartment pondering her therapist’s suggestion that she give up drinking for a couple of weeks.
Me: I think I’m going to have a glass of wine. I really need a glass of wine.
Asshole Inner Voice: But you should at least think about not having it. She only suggested you give up drinking for two weeks ‘just to try it.’
Me: Yeah, but it’s December 14th. Nobody gives up drinking on December 14th.
Asshole Inner Voice: You can’t even go the night?
Me: I didn’t drink last night!
AIV: Yeah, but that’s because you were still drunk from the night before. It doesn’t count.
Me: (Huffs) If I wanted to skip a night of drinking I totally could.
AIV: Then why don’t you?
Me: Because it’s December 14th! WHO GIVES UP DRINKING IN THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER? WHO, I ASK?
AIV: Getting awfully defensive aren’t you?
Me: Well you’re being a total fuck!
AIV: I’m just saying, I don’t think people without drinking problems have conversations like this with themselves.
Me: That’s ‘cause they do meth and their inner conversations are about that!
AIV: It’s just one night.
Me: But I’m feeling edgy. How about just a small glass?
AIV: Ah, the bargaining stage of alcoholism.
Me: You really are a fuck.
AIV: Why don’t you just take a bath?
Me: Who takes a bath without a glass of wine?
AIV: Why don’t you just go to bed early and read your book?
Me: Who reads in bed without a glass of wine?
AIV: Are you hearing yourself?
Me: Are you hearing yourself?
AIV: I’m you.
Me: Yeah, the lame part. DORK!
AIV: Don’t you understand that when you insult me you’re insulting yourself.
Me: (In whiny mocking voice) Don’t you understand that when you insult me you’re insulting yourself.
AIV: Real Mature.
Me: Real Mature.
AIV: Ugh, you are such a child.
Me: (Opens and closes hand while mouthing blah, blah, blah.)
AIV: I don’t need this. Have your wine. Kill your brain cells.
Me: I knew I’d break you.
AIV: You realize this is a problem, right?
Me: (Pouring wine) Add it to the pile, biotch!
AIV: I can’t believe you couldn’t go one night.
Me: I can’t believe you’re still talking. (Takes first sip, swallows, closes eyes and smiles.)
AIV: Well, what are you going to do with yourself now?
Me: I’m going to write!
AIV: You should have said that in the first place! Who writes at night without a glass of wine?
Me: (Glug, glug, glug.)
Asshole Inner Voice and Me in unison: It’s our artistic temperament!
10 comments:
Try apothic red...if you kill all the brain cells the little voice gets quiet them dies....
Joe g.
Good wine is a good familiar creature if it be well-used.
Othello
Hahahahaha!!!! Hilarious!
And besides, January is a better month to try two weeks... And maybe even a trip to the gym! : )
Love, love, love!!! You crack me up!
Who the eff would ever quit drinking in December and who the hell would ever suggest such a crazy thing?! Hell no...you would be setting yourself up for failure and we, Mellows, aren't failures. If you want to do a cleanse in January, I'm your man and will do it with you, but I'll tell ya what...it won't be easy. Two weeks we can do, but life without wine, well, let's not even imagine such a thing...
So funny!!!!
btw...not sure who Joe G is, but Apothic Red is one of my favorite new wine finds this past year! I buy it by the case....literally...though, maybe I shouldn't admit that in such a public forum :)
PS and I SHIT YOU NOT...my word verification is WINOS! Someone is pulling a sick fucking prank on us winos!
Did I tell you my friend Wendy is positing Gin as the new Shangrila, the elixir for long life? The research on which she based this determination is spotty hearsay, but a fair amount of it. The "my grandmother drank a gin martini every day and lived until she was 98," type qualitative stuff. Not sure when these grandmas started consuming, but point is maybe it's the type of alcohol and not the alcohol itself at the root of the problem (Not that i'm saying there's a problem.) So you might consider Gin for the next two weeks. Personally I'm loving the olives.
But what i did want to say, related to your artistic temperament excuse, is that alcohol consumption is at least a sexier dependency than sugar. When I feel stressed, flustered, lost, I tend to reach for a handful, and not a modest one, of chocolate, cookies, candy, stopping short only of spoonfuls of the white stuff itself. It feels like a slothful, unwriterly addiction - not the stuff of literary or existential angst, but of uncontrolled, sit around watching soap operas, kind of pigginess. I know this is terribly superficial and profoundly unhelpful in the does my dear friend Lo need HELP while I go on about being jealous that her addiction (not that it's an addiction) is hotter than mine.
But don't go looking on my blog for a picture of me shoving cookies in my mouth anytime soon! xo a
Haha love your schizo convo, friggen hysterical! I seriously could picture you having these thoughts lol. I love the very crafty pic too! Beck - Gary got a bunch of apothic red when we thought you guys were going to be staying here, and well, I love it (should I be admitting that as a nursing mom?)! Also the fact that winos was your word verification is just way too uncanny I cannot take it!
Hysterical!!! I'e had similar conversations with my AIV!!! LOL
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